Lost of the Last Card of Sanity

Someone told me that year 2010 would not be so great for me. I tried not to listen. I have always been a fighter. I will do what it takes to see things the right way. It seems he was somehow right. I have been struggling. Hard. My emotions get so unstable sometimes. I can't figure out even the simplest things, i can't see things that are so obvious, being around a lot disappointments. Why?


I can't answer that. I am just tired.




And today, i have done something i would never thought of doing. I guess, life had pushed me too far. Life had already reacted to my change. Seem like it's taking me down with it. And probably some people, too. No, i am not being paranoid at all. I have been in this state for a few years now. So have i learned to let go.


I have lost my last card of sanity. That last card is a savior of mine. Someone that i have been looking up to.

Now i am left with a tiny shard of what i used to have. Writing this down is very hard. I have thousand pauses in between, seems like my fingers are shaking, trembling as much as i don't even know what i have done. And at this moment i am not sure as to why i am feeling very broken. Why am i feeling the guilt? I really wanted to scream my life out. I should have never done it!!! I am so shrouded with negative emotions lately!!! Why am i so easily tempered?!



I AM SO SORRY! I COULDN'T HELP TO BE DISAPPOINTED AGAIN...! I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I DID THAT TO HELP MYSELF. Because no one can. Not even you can help me in this state i am in. I may lead a happy life ahead of me, but that's probably from the external perspective.






I regret saying what i said. But i can never regret my actions.



I just hope you would understand this, and for the last time, i am sorry. Sorry for being so uptight towards you. I would never want this to end. I know my words aren't the kindest of words. I am just being truthfully sincere.


I have said too much. I will take my leave now.





I just wanted 1 last thing. Don't forget to say Goodbye to me if you decide to go. If you see me smiling, maybe it isn't so. It's me struggling to be strong. I forgot how to smile for something that's isn't there. You'd understand me. You're the only one who could.







Emotional State : Full of unbalanced emotions. LOST.

Friend = Betrayal?

I have been real busy with life lately. Well, as always. Ever since i deactivated my last Facebook account, few things fell apart. I lost a part of me there. The good news is, i get to be with myself a lot frequent than before. I enjoyed making myself busy in the office, after working hours, all by myself. My life is all about work, work and work. It's something that i love to do.

Being in a relationship does affected my work life. I started to lose track of my schedule, neglecting my obligations towards my nation, and my family. That was really bad of me. Now that i am not in a relationship anymore, i have set my wings steadily opened. Well, not really in a relationship, maybe. Ala, whatever lah!

One major setback was, i get a bit lonely, but at the same time i neglected my need to socialize. I just think that the more people i bump into, the more "hateful" i get. I have this problem where i sometimes does not need to be seen, to interact and to simply put it this way - I WANT TO BE ALONE. Entahlah, i don't like to be in crowds. The more people around at any given time, the more "hateful" i get, especially when i'm around hypocrites. Jenis yang kuat cover-line tu lagi la aku menyampah.



"Friends" told me that they know how i feel, but don't be stupid by saying that because no one in the world would have an inch of clue about what others are experiencing. I find that very hard to swallow. Yes, u may say i have been all negative by saying this, because what they did was to console me in a manner where judging physically i am in a bad situation, whereas i am not. I am not applying this to all friends, though. Just telling how 80% of my friends are the hypocrite type. Bunch of liars, telling lies just to have ends meet. They say they will be there when i need them, but not much to my surprise, MOST OF THAT IS ALL BULLSHIT. Those are just simply words, spoken without meaning. Promises that are meant to be broken, i foresee it, yet i humbly lowered my ego, always giving chances to people but again and again i got disappointed.


I still kept in touch with a few people. The ones that never tries to judge, but to understand. I feel at ease with them because they will help me understand my problems if i had any. Maybe that is the reason i still have some hope in people. Ah, now i am unsure. It's tragic. This is all madness. I don't know what else to say. There is so much swirls on my mind. I JUST DON'T TRUST ANYBODY ANYMORE.


Why do people lie? Where is the fun in that? I have experienced lies from the tiniest to the extreme. Why are some people afraid to come clean to me? Why would they wait for me to bust them open because the pain of a knife on your back is the worst kind of pain as far as i can tell. Is trust the cheapest thing around? Well if had no value at all then why am i feeling a like i lost something upon back-stabbed? That's as far as friendship goes. I don't have to tell about my previous relationships. Those times were all disastrous - lacks trust. They eventually turn out to be "stalkers" than admirers. I feel chained. I can't be friendly with another person lah. Jealousy lah. ALL MY PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS are behind me. It means i won't be thinking about them anymore. The direction i am going is forward. Now i am focusing to the friendlier side of me. I won't be able to get myself in a new relationship with this rage inside me.



Just 1 question is bothering me much these days. Why lie to me when u know i detect lies easily?
Entahlah...

They know they did some wrong thing towards me. Even so, they kept quiet. So, i did the same thing. I kept quiet about it. Until they started asking what is my problem. My problem is i hate liars! Bottom line - Period! No matter how small, a lie is a lie.



All i can say is, from now on, i am my own man. And stop asking or ever wonder why i did not return phone calls, texts, or email to you, because i stopped believing in "Friends". I have trusted enough to be disappointed, again and again.


AND TO ALL LIARS, PLEASE STOP CALLING ME BUDDY or BROTHER or whatever. It means nothing anymore. I have a name and please stick with it.





Emotional State : Lonely, but that's okay. Got used to it!

Goodbye to my Facebook friends.

It has been years since i start using the social networking site, Facebook. Much has happened, great, big or small, long or short, positive or otherwise and yes, MUCH has happened.

It started out as a friend's invitation over the matter. I was a guy who lives his life as low profile as i can be. Lets just say, the less you know about me the better. One day a friend came to see how i was doing. I do have my own phone that time. It's just that being me, i seldom reach out to anyone by phone. I won't start a conversation, won't ask people out or ask how are they doing. That's just me. When people called, i would answer. When they ask me out, i'll just go. Sometimes it gets annoying when everybody knows my phone number. So it happened that my friend introduced me to Facebook. She told me its a good way to keep in touch with anyone on the planet. It's like a pager of some sort, which kinda cool to me coz, i have my own luxury of replying to what's important and ignoring what's not.

It's cool at first, seems like i get to be reunited with childhood friends. The only motive i get driven by, that is. It is like searching for a treasure chest without the map. I stumbled upon them by accident, they found me out of curiosity and the cycle are just.

Then the new made friends - the people i don't really know about. Some are made good friends, others were just simply adding people to the list and the numbers fascinates them. Non-quality approach there. I simply just don't like them.


Then there were people approaching me in a different manner. They seek companionship. They told me that i am a good listener and maybe i am. Maybe i have been around people older than me so that it affects how i relate to things around me. But that is not the matter here.



I'm writing this down specially for the people in my Facebook list. Some, i love them to the heart. Some are not, and sometimes i just don't want to care about too much. It's the reality of being me. I stumbled upon real friends, met them, shared few things here and there. Some were just playing the game. That's how crooked a person can be. I can name few good people in my list, even if i we haven't met eyes to eyes. These good people always come up with good advice rather than making fun of me. They guided me as i have problems with my temper which seems out of control lately. These amazing few friends will always stay in my heart forever.






So now, i will be terminating the account, regardless what people think. Some friends made me cry when replying to their messages. To some friends, i am honored to have known you. I'll take my leave now. I wish all the best in whatever you do.

I have been meaning to do this a year ago. I was stopped by someone i do cherished that time, but since it's in the past, i guess i should walk forward, stepping onto another rock as easy as it can be or otherwise. Welcome to the world, i guess. :)




It breaks my heart to end something i want to keep but life is all about sacrifice. Go along with it.





Goodbye, all. It has been wonderful knowing some of you. I will think of you always.

Pertandingan Bakat Seni Kartun Merdeka 2010

Just like what the title suggests, yes, a competition is running.


It starts at 15th July 2010 and will end at 31st August 2010. Terms and condition applies.




Here's the poster.



Click the image to enlarge. It's Download able.




Here's the entry form in A4 size.



Click the image to enlarge. It's Download able.


To participants, you need to print out this Entry Form and submit together with your artworks. To be safe, one (1) artwork submitted requires one (1) entry form. (Yes, a photocopy version is allowed, but take note of the blanks you need to fill in. DO NOT FORGET TO FILL IN "TAJUK KARYA". It's just a hint. Don't want your artworks to be mistaken for others', right?


So, basically all the info needed by the participants can be obtained by reading the T&Cs stated on the entry form.



To all those wished to participate, DO SO.


Call this number for any inquiries :
03-40267000 The National Art Gallery.
www.artgallery.gov.my


or

Log in to :
http://www.artgallery.gov.my/web/guest/pertandingan_bakat_seni

or

http://www.karangkraf.com/v6/


OR YOU CAN JUST ASK ME HERE. :)


Thank you. Hope for the best! ;)


(I will update this entry after a few more adjustments from our partners. Thank You)

Aku kena tindih?! Makhluk halus? Atau Gula halus?!

Hadui...


Sebelum ni upon hearing stories from friends, relatives and through some reading, i know what it was. But knowing about it was a little too unsatisfactory. Unsatifactory sebab tak sangka pulak aku yang kena. OMG! Teruk betul rasanya. Masa aku type entry ni aku tengah gila babas mengah. Letih siot...!


Ni bukan aku nak merepek lagi dah.



Macam ni ceritanya.

Satu hari, ditakdirkan kat ofis, aku pulak kebetulan kena makan ubat. Jangan ditanya sakit apa, sebab ramai tahu aku sakit apa, jadi aku malas nak cerita dah pasal sakit aku ni. Karang tak pasal-pasal kena jadi bahan pulak. Dah biasanya bila sakit, makanlah ubat, ye dak? Aku ni susah sikit nak telan ubat. Kak Maria, Nora, Kak Nita, Rashidah - ah, pendek kata semua yang rapat tahu aku paling liat nak telan ubat, especially cough syrup. Rasanya, Ya Ampun....Ni pulak nak makan ubat waktu berkerja, lagilah aku liat gila babas.

Jadi, untuk mengelakkan aku menderita sakit aku ni, maka dengan secara rasminya aku menelan beberapa ulas pil khas diberikan oleh doktor aku yang berulang-ulang kali memerli aku each time aku jumpa dengan beliau. Dia sendiri pun tak larat nak nasihat dah. Bagi ubat sambil perli aku, dahsyat kan Doktor aku ni...?!




Anyway, it started when me, being in the office alone, the others went for a meeting which i don't know what it's all about. So, there i am, sick and in need of medication. I took my meds, those for my migraine, gout and fever. Yes, a whole bunch of drugs in the system, and i won't get arrested for it. huhuhuhu...!

While waiting for the drugs to take effect, i turn a few pages of a magazine, and the next thing i know, i was asleep.




ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!








???!



I don't really know if i dreamed or just sees visions in my sleep, but here's what i saw.
I was alone, i flew. The surrounding involves trees and islands, lots of water, perhaps i am soaring above the endless seas of the world. The weather seems not really bright, it's a bit dark in the skies, lots of clouds covering me. Not strangely, I felt at ease.


Then, the atmosphere starts to get gloomy and gloomier. Still i was flying free. Then....


I wanted to land on one of the islands i saw when hovering in the air, yet i can't seem to get my feet on them. Tried hard to, but it's getting harder and harder each seconds.




THEN, IT HIT ME! Yes, i was "ditindih", some call it by.

I was gasping for air,my body heats up real quick, i was sweating macam gila babas. Pastu, my head feels very heavy macam aku rasa kepala aku ni dah besar macam tayar bas ekspress dah. I know the things that happens around me, like i was there, but i wasn't there. Can't explain how it was, exactly.


I tried to open my eyes, tapi susah gila babas, ibaratkan bukak tin Sardin pakai sebelah tangan lagi senang. huhuhu.I couldn't speak, or even move any of my body parts. I know that because, i really tried hard to move a finger, but it was hopeless. Feels like your PC went to a crash state, you can tekan-tekan the keyboard, but there's nothing you can do. (CALL A TECHNICIAN!)



I felt this sudden urge to get up, after hearing some noise which i don't know what it was. The subtle noise of wind blowing. It's not frightening though. What's scares me was, i lost my breathing. Gasping for air - Yes, that's frightening! I can't breathe or move or anything. I was like started to get really angry and agitated, padahal tercungap-cungap macam ikan yang dinaikkan ke darat tu! Tapi dah macam dugong dah! Then few of my officemates came into the room, i can hear one of them using the laptop with the sounds of her clicking the mouse so clearly, but still i can't call her. Dalam hati ni dah gundah gelana dah! Huhuhuhu! Waktu-waktu macam ni lah aku perlukan Faeez atau Jafri. Sebabnya, these two people will disturb me when taking a nap. They are such a nuisance, but when i need them the most, takdelah pulak?!



I call still remember Rashidah said, "Ni lama dia tidur ni. Syam dah makan ubat tu, tak payah la kacau dia..."
Dalam hati aku, aku menjerit! "Baik lah pulak minah ni...Ketuk la aku dengan bantal ke hapa...!" I was nearly to tears dah...


Then after a few minutes hearing their discussion, they left the room. It was quiet again.
Entah lah, after a few more minutes of struggling, i finally can move my feet. That was the moment i thought, "This is it! My way out!" I screamed, Bismillah - ALLAHUAKBAR!

Pap! Aku terbangun macam takde pape yang berlaku...! I was still disoriented jugak masa sedar tu. Tengok Nissa selamba je buat speech ke hapa entah kat laptop dia. Terasa ingin menanya kat dia, yang dia dengar tak aku masa aku menjerit. Tapi dari reaksi dia masa aku sedar tu, biasa je. Ye lah, kalau dia dengar aku menjerit melolong, mesti dia campak tong sampah sebelah dia tu kat aku, kan? aduh! Rasa macam tak percaya pulak. So aku buat tak tau je lah.


So i wen't to the men's room, got freshen up, with a few sticks of cigarettes. I still cannot interpret what just happened. I wanted to call my Mom, but i left my handphones on the sofa that i lied on earlier, so aku biar je lah.


I went back to retrieve my phones. I saw Kak Maria discussing something with Nissa. I told Kak Maria briefly what happened. Actually, she saw me earlier. She thought i was just sleeping, but from what she saw, she did see my position when i was sleeping was rather a bit unusual. Then i asked, how unusual it was. She just said "unusual". WOW. What an explanation. huhuhu.



So, after obtaining my phones, i sat down quietly near my new desk. Staring into the monitor screen, and decided to go Google about what happened to me. Tons of reading for me, and finally i came across this scientific explanatory article that i find it simple and it does explain real straight to the point without those hanky-panky-hard-to-spell medical terms.




And i Quote (Copy>Paste je lah!)




"...Hinggalah saya mendengar penjelasan seorang rakan, Dr. Harris, yang mengulas tentang perkara tersebut dari sudut saintifik perubatan melalui penulisan dalam blog peribadinya.



Sebenarnya apa yang berlaku itu merupakan fenomena paralisis tidur. Ia merujuk kepada suatu tempoh singkat yang membuatkan seseorang tidak dapat membuat pergerakan mana-mana bahagian badan ketika baru memasuki fasa hendak tidur (hipnogogik atau predormital), atau ketika hendak sedar daripada tidur (hipnopompik atau posdormital).

Apakah simptom-simptomnya? Lazimnya seseorang akan mengadu hilang upaya gerak anggota tangan atau kaki ketika baru mula tidur atau hendak sedar. Berlaku juga episod singkat paralisis otot skeletal, sama ada sebahagian atau sepenuhnya. Ia biasanya dikaitkan dengan halusinasi hipnogogik atau aktiviti otak yang mencetus situasi seperti mimpi.

Paralisis tidur selalunya dikaitkan dengan narkolepsi, iaitu gangguan neurologikal yang membuatkan seseorang mengalami rasa mengantuk yang ekstrem lalu boleh tertidur secara tiba-tiba. Namun begitu, ada orang yang mengalami paralisis ini tanpa menunjukkan petanda narkolepsi.Antara penyebab paralisis tidur ini adalah seperti tidur dalam posisi terlentang terlalu lama, jadual tidur yang tidak menentu, tidak cukup tidur dan istirehat, stres dan juga pertukaran gaya hidup secara mendadak (misalnya peralihan daripada mod rehat kepada aktiviti ekstrem secara mengejut).

Dalam kes halusinasi hipnogogik tertentu, seseorang akan merasa seperti ada orang lain di dalam bilik tidur mereka. Ada juga yang trauma apabila menyangka ada ‘sesuatu’ yang duduk di atas dada hingga menyukarkan pernafasan.

Sejak berkurun, ia terjadi pada manusia dan dipanggil Fenomena Hag. Walaupun kesannya menimbulkan keresahan dan ketakutan, tiada risiko atau ancaman fizikal boleh berlaku.
Dalam dunia ini memang ada makhluk lain di dimensi yang tidak dapat ditembusi mata kasar kita. Tetapi janganlah kita jadikan ia satu-satunya alasan bagi setiap kejadian yang tidak dapat dihuraikan..."






Oleh HAMZAH ABDUL HAMID
Petikan dari Kosmo



(http://www.jomlayan.com/mybb/ditindih-atau-paralisis-t-22095.html)






Yeah, most of what i read leads to this explanation.
So yeah, i voted for this article. NO GHASTLY ENTITY WAS THERE. I AM JUST VERY TIRED! Simple.





Look at this. "DAEMONS" >>> Cam nak perli aku je. It was prompted when i was adding the link to Facebook.


PS : No, i don't say that THESE entities does not exist, but i chose to believe that i am just very tired. That's all.

Rippled Persona - Which one?

Dream - The "Rippled" persona




Yes. It's a subject not everyone enjoyed talking about. Me? I really don't want to talk much about it. As i am now, it's probably just another phase of my thinking in process of being an adult. Mind my age, though. Some had said i was way beyond my age, but that's not entirely true. Never mind the fuss about me, and move along here.I am not an aged guy yet, but as i told frequently to some people, i think a lot better when I'm not well. Being in this unconditionally sickened state, i get to hear myself better, so to speak.Not really a wise guy, either.


Just a normal guy who wished to speak out his mind once in a while, hoping that people could say, "Hey, i know that feeling, too!", upon reading this blabbers of mine.


Bah, who am i kidding, huh?





Dreams. What do we all humans have in common?

However it may seem glad for some to be able to dream, metaphorically or under the state of not being conscious, we all dreamed. Life was all managed and circulated by dreams - it pushes us forward, number of minors got the reversed common effects by it, sometime hits rock bottom, too. Whatever to where ever it leads us to, it's called dream. One sees them as visions, perhaps while one other see dreams as something to pass by without any significance meaning of it.



Me?

I see my dreams as never ending ripple of my life. Have you ever dropped a pebble in the lake in a vertical manner? What does it produce when the pebble finally hits the surface of the water in the lake? Yes. It produces ripple on it. Can you count the numbers of the circle of ripple produced upon that simple act? I know i can't.

It's nearly impossible. NOT IF YOU CHEAT, AND TOOK A VIDEO CAMERA ALONG WITH YOU. If you do that, then it's pointless to read this further on. :)

Can you see what i am trying to say? Or perhaps my consolatory methods isn't that accurate? Let me put it this way, then.




**Do view the diagram in a new window. It will be a LOT bigger.**



[Diagram here]
Diagram 1 : The "Rippled" Persona




There are 3 easy points to endeavor to :

Point A - X

Point B - 5

Point C - 9

Now, before you continue reading, PLEASE MAKE A CHOICE either X, 5 or 9. That will determine your characters later. See if you're lying to yourself or not.







[A moment of Silence]









Great. Now you have a point to start with. Stick with it.


A ripple starts with a small but powerful wave; projecting a bigger one with less power, and the cycle continues for hundred more times. This however, to make it simpler, let's just say it produced 9 sets of ripples. (No, you still won't be able to count ripples! Pay attention) :)

Here's the catch - I won't tell you, YET...!







The Point of 9.
Let me start with the biggest one. The point of 9. Upon choosing this, you know that you are very possessive of your surroundings. You know many things, you do many things, u gain many things and yes, you are good at what you do. But life is all about understanding how it works. By gaining and doing so much, you lost "yourself" in the process of it. You know things you don't but you don't know the things you already do. That is what being a majority in the ripple. The point of 9 is the weakest link, though it seems big and well spread over.


It may be harsh for some, but if you understand my earlier paragraphs before the diagram was put, you wouldn't have chosen the point of 9. For you, the bigger frying pan would be the instrument in your life, neglecting the smaller details in life. The point of 9s will profusely try to emerge victorious in any way possible,leaving things behind, and sometimes wiping out anything on its way.


Wait, it's not that scary.





The Point of 5.
Now, the point of 5. The intermediate of things. For those who chose the point of 5. Well done, but you're not exactly the better ones among those 3 points in the diagram. Why? Read more.


Then, the point of 5 lies in the middle. Yes, in the middle of everything. Talk about being neutral in your surroundings. One point to be said that most of the times, being neutral is close enough to get you out in harms way, so i said. Then again, it's not really a good spot to be in, when you have to make a decision, now, am i right? The point of 5 is considered being the un-surety of decision making for short. Even though its slightly stronger than the later point of 9, it still trembles of uncertainties. It's the feeling of cavened in by the surroundings.


You go with the flow. Why do i say this?

Try making ripples on the water surface. Even though the point of 5s will lead to create ripple to the point of 9s, but watch carefully. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to understand this. Just a simple and extra observation would do the explaining. Can you see that, a tiny wave created by the point of 9s ARE ACTUALLY PUSHING BACK to the point of 5s? Not really that powerful, too, huh? It's like holding a shovel on a concrete foundation, literally.

Naturally a good follower and very adapting to its surrounding, even though you kept getting pushed back and forth, but that makes you a very diplomatic person.






The Point of X.
Have you started to wonder why i labeled it the point of "X", rather to simply put a "1" on it? It would not be "1" because the ripples don't create themselves. At some point, it has to be caused by something. In relation to life, these ripples are caused by people. Probably by a single individual or a great number of people, in accordance to many possibilities.



The Point of X - The earliest visible ones to emerge. Small. Very powerful, timid and very aggresive but not to the point of self-centered. You know what you want in life, you are very persistent, very accurate in making judgments; you hold the key of success. You have what it takes to be a leader. But don't get cocky yet. Everything has its greyer side. Being a leader you need to have the "x" factor. (I can't believe what i just typed coz it sounds so Cliche)


X factor - The factor of being different, always trying to push hard because you are small in size. There are numbers of ripples surrounding you, and you don't want to be swallowed alive. You create a barrier which is the points of 5s ; those that would help you accordingly. Still, remember what the point of 5s can do. They are very neutral, and probably would stick a fork on your back. So, the point of Xs will be very selective in everything they do, sometimes very choosy, depending on what they favour or dislike, and sometime these point of Xs would get very defensive and have the point of 5s taken over. The point of Xs are very hard and very fragile at the same time.

Remember the cause and effects of the later points of ripples? Point of 9s and 5s will push back, and the amount of pressure is doubled! Yes, a strong leader is nothing compared to what the other points can do...

...and the point of Xs would be the first ones to disappear.


So, any change of mind? :)








Me? Don't ask. I don't know.

Sebabnya apa?

Hai, apa khabar semua...?


Lama rasanya tak buat entry dalam bahasa melayu. Tak tahu lah kenapa, bila sahaja nak mula menulis, semuanya tak kena. Bukan aku tak hormat dan sayang terhadap bahasa ibunda, cuma selalunya bila menulis dalam bahasa melayu, aku jadi terlebih aktif menekan keyboard. Mungkin juga sebab banyak perkara yang terbuku di hati, maka bila terdetiknya niat menulis dalam bahasa melayu, banyak perkara yang aku terlepas tulis, sama ada secara sedar atau tidak.

Untuk pengetahuan, entry ni dah lama sangat duduk dalam draft. Sebab aku rasa belum sesuai untuk di pertontonkan, sebabnya terlalu banyak perkara yang perlu ditapis, kerana aku takut disalah erti kelak. Bukan apa, biar lambat, asal selamat. Eh, boleh ke macam tu? (Blog aku, suka hati aku, lah...!) ;)



Macam ni lah, sebenarnya bahasa Inggeris aku taklah selancar dulu, semasa di sekolah rendah dahulu, sebabnya aku tak berkawan sangat dengan kaum melayu. Bila difikirkan kembali, aku sendiri rasa hairan. Aku lebih cenderung bertemankan kaum cina dan india sebab aku rasa lebih senang berada dalam kelompok tersebut. Disekolah rendah, sebegitu. Dirumah, arwah ayah akan selalu berbahasa Inggeris, sampaikan aku selalu terbawa-bawa dalam pertuturan aku seharian dengan rakan-rakan bukan melayu. Tapi tak lah pulak aku terus menerus macam tu, sebab yang kelakarnya, kadang-kadang aku sendiri tak faham apa yang aku tuturkan. Rasanya aku ni lebih memerhatikan respon orang-orang disekeliling aku, maka respon-respon tersebut akan secara semulajadi melekat di kepala. Sebab tu kadang-kadang orang akan kata aku ni sarkastik, padahal aku tak rasa macam tu pun. Mungkin mereka tak biasa dengan cara aku lah, kot? Dalam tak faham tu, melekat jugak jadi kawan-kawan aku. Siapa yang tak faham siapa, sekarang? :)



Maka, tujuan aku menggunakan bahasa inggeris sebagai pengantaraan adalah kerana, aku semakin tak pandai bertutur dalam bahasa inggeris, secara lisan, amnya. Aku sendiri pun pelik bila memikirkan tentang perkara ni. Aku lebih cekap menulis dalam bahasa inggeris dari bertutur dalam bahasa itu. Entah, susah nak kata kenapa. 80% muzik, buku dan bahan rujukan aku adalah dalam bahasa inggeris. Suka aku lah...! :)




Sebenarnya, dalam aspek blogging ni, aku takut berbahasa melayu. Sebabnya kadang-kadang apa yang aku tulis tu sangat berbaur dengan perasaan aku. Bila menulis dalam keadaan beremosi, aku takut disalah ertikan. Punca aku ber-blog ni pun sebenarnya atas syor teman-teman rapat, yang prihatin dengan masalah aku. Sebenarnya bukan masalah apa pun, cuma aku ni cepat naik darah. Teman-teman rapat risau aku melepaskan amarah melalui cara-cara lain. Boleh dikatakan, aku cepat melenting, sampai kadang-kadang tu orang yang hampir tak bersalah pun aku boleh jadikan sasaran melepaskan perasaan. Maaf lah ye, kepada sesiapa yang pernah terkena angin kus-kus-semangat aku ni. Susah jugak bila ada 2 semangat dalam satu jasad ni. Jangan tanya apa maksudnya. Fikir sendiri. Ni bukan sesi soal jawab. Nak kena baling dengan parang? hehe...




Ni aku nak cerita sikit tabiat semula jadi aku masa muda-muda dulu. Tak la tua sangat pun aku ni, tapi pengalaman dah macam orang tua dah pun, sebab aku selalunya akan berkawan dengan orang-orang yang berumur lebih 30 tahun ke atas. Entah, dari dulu lagi aku lebih minat mendengar pengalaman orang2 yang lebih tua dari aku. Untuk belajar dari pengalaman mereka, agaknya. Sampai sekarang ni pun, mak aku pun agak pelik juga bila aku bawak kawan-kawan datang ke rumah yang rata-ratanya boleh dikatakan, mak aku boleh panggil mereka adik. hahaha. Dah mak aku muda lagi, haruslah... :) Dah la teman aku yang paling rapat tu berumur (** tahun) [Rahsia, mana boleh bagitau] :)


Pendek kata beza umur aku dengan dia adalah 10 tahun. Oh, rindu betul aku nak tengok dia menangis. Bukan apa, dia tu akan menangis setiap kali dia gelak terbahak-bahak. Memang istimewa betul teman aku tu. Yang membuatkan kami lebih serasi, kami akan berbahasa Inggeris pada kebanyakkan masa sebab kami memang mahu meningkatkan keupayaan bertutur dalam bahasa inggeris. Hahaha. Kadang-kadang bila tersilap tersasul tu, kami pun gelak mengilai la. :)

Pendek kata, walaupun aku cintakan negara, aku juga lebih cintakan diri aku sendiri. Kalau tiada satu, maka tidak akan ada dua. Maknanya, kalau setiap individu disekeliling kita sentiasa mahu memajukan diri sendiri demi diri dan negara, maka tiada salahnya mempraktikkan perkara-perkara yang boleh meningkatkan kemampuan sendiri. Pulak tu, zaman sekarang, yang besar akan makan yang kecil. Jadi, faham-faham sendiri lah. :)




Memberi jawapan: Walaupun jiwa aku memberontak, jiwa seni aku tetap takkan hilang, sebab seni itu BEBAS. Aku suka kebebasan. Aku tak pernah suka diarah...

A habit i picked up since 2008

I'm already so good at talking to the walls.



This is the situation. You have a large space, a spacious room maybe, and normally 4 erected sets of wall to make it up of. Try screaming in it. You could only hear yourself, the best of the last thing you get. The least of what you have to go by. Fun isn’t it? Not for me.



Yeah, kind of stupid on how it sounds, but some metaphors I used, often tells my current situation, possibly my emotions. Sometimes it sounded as sarcastic as I got motioned by it, but that are not entirely what I have in mind. Perhaps those are more to what my disappointment sounds like. Yes, a bit too narrative of me. You know, when you are in search in something, probably from somebody you know, sometimes those people already had the answers, but I wonder why they are so afraid of being honest to others, yet again toward themselves. Why are they really afraid of the simplest thing in the world? To be true is not so hard, quite frankly - well, if you are not a persistent liar, that is. Or are you? Ask yourself of the answer.


Just when i thought it was really something great, yes, or so i thought. Something greatly upsetting was not the one i had hoped for.



Potentially, I raised my hand in life’s classroom. Getting spoon-fed was not my intention of being in it. Sometimes I raised both of them, searching for what’s what and what’s not. It is agreeable, not much of my luck shines upon. I did always caught up with the same process over and over again - probably stumbled on the same drench of mud, fell off the same cliff and yeah, stubborn of me – that some had spoken.For me, these dangerous cliffs are often the safest of place to hang on to rather than just roaming free on the place where everyone seem to feel safe, in the open. Now, I won’t be saying on how much it does make some point to say that I like to be in the situation where, as dangerous as it seems, hardships was all that does the teaching.



Having said that, sometimes it does get too irritating, in terms of how it teaches us, don’t you think? By the means of how satisfactions comes after a dreaded battle between the truths and the not-so-true-by-nature elements in life. Ah, you can see the big picture by now. I don’t frame my words as beautifully as an expensive piece of furniture. That’s most probably the cheapest way to even describe something to say the least. Pointless – having to even start discussing on it.



So I hoped for the best of what I haven’t felt or seen or probably endeavor to. Linked from A to Z, I often cross paths with Y, and should I say this, Z was never seen for some of the things I need. It’s there, but to reach upon it – questionably very hard. Oh by the way, I skipped the alphabets from time to time, just to make ends meet, so to speak. This is the part when I’d really appreciate if you can go figure. When sometimes things are not meant to be spoken of, well this is it. I really don’t enjoy discussing such matters, coz even the closest people to me are unaware of those paths or shortcuts, people would call it by. It’s no secret to some, but let me just say, I don’t write those things on my forehead for the viewing pleasure, or is there any pleasure given out of it?



Constellation of my life was seen, yet it was difficult to even recognize the marking of dots leading to one another. Probably not a straight-forwarded path, I just strafe together with it. Canopied by the sense of stars shooting ever so beautifully without being aimed for? Still, it’s not even a millimeter close to making out a picture, yet.



Ah, the ramblings could last forever. Just my view on my own life, so I could not go bias over it, even some would say otherwise.



How's the sideburn? ;)

In loving memory - Al-Fatihah

In loving memory : Allahyarham Mohd Busairi B. Haji Mahfudz





Bush.


It's hard for me to even start this post. Just by typing his name - was enough to make me cry in silence.




I started to know him through Facebook, in my early days of using the Social Networking Site.


Arwah was one of the sincere people that i know in my life. He was never bias in his presence, always the cheerful one. He was pretty much alike myself, but he was just greater than me. I am already in tears when i decided to write this down, as i needed to. I must remind myself of him, as i would never want to forget. I just couldn't.

I can't write much, it tends to make me feel weak at some point. All i know we will all miss him dearly. His family and closest friends would feel a lot more than me. My condolences.








May you rest in peace, Bush. :'/


AL-FATIHAH...

بِسْمِ اللّهِ الرَّحْمـَنِ الرَّحِيم


In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

الْحَمْدُ للّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِين

Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds

الرَّحْمـنِ الرَّحِيم

The Beneficent, the Merciful.

مَـالِكِ يَوْمِ الدِّين

Owner of the Day of Judgment

1:5 إِيَّاك نَعْبُدُ وإِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِين

Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek.

اهدِنَــــا الصِّرَاطَ المُستَقِيمَ

Show us the straight path,

صِرَاطَ الَّذِينَ أَنعَمتَ عَلَيهِمْ غَيرِ المَغضُوبِ عَلَيهِمْ وَلاَ الضَّالِّين
The path of those whom Thou hast favored; Not the (path) of those who earn Thine anger nor of those who go astray.




We will all miss you greatly.


In loving memory : Mohd Busairi B. Haji Mahfudz



A blog entry from my dear friend in brunei - Rizal

http://freelancing-prince.blogspot.com/

Ah, perhaps it's just one of those days. (Part 1)

Ah, perhaps it's just one of those days. (Part 1)




It is raining. My laptop is on. I had my dinner at home. There's a cup the table. The hot coffee brewed in minutes. My cats meowing - wanted to get fed. Lightning. Flashes of light, everywhere. Lots of them. Then it was in total silence. No frog's croaking. Crickets are yet to come out and sing. Only the sounds of dripping raindrops - or at least the last bit of it all this time around. A cigarette is lit.









I am alone.










My eyes stopped blinking and i gazed. So far, it gets me in a trance, figuratively. Then, i was in the ignorant mood. The cats wants a refill. I am still holding a spoonful of course sugar in my hand, yet to poured in the cup of hot coffee. Mimi, she purred and held my leg. She got me back to reality. Then the mixture completed. Oh, and the particular song have been repeated for god knows how many times. It's just me, listening to the same old song over and over again. It's a song about life, the one that my father used to sing to me when i was little. He's gone now. All i am left with are memories.



Sat back on the chair.



The phones rang too many times already, and somehow i just don't bother to check upon it. I know some friends are worried. Some are pretty worried. I know that fact well, because all i get so far as responses are words of, how do i say this - Angst. I never would have expected it. I just throw out 3 simple words, so i get 300 words back. To that extent, i am truly sorry, people. My life gets too narrative, sometimes.


Still...


I looked on my palms. I see lines. I remembered what a few people told me before, that i have a nice palm. A soft pair of those, too. I was told to share. They said i should hold those people you really cared about with those palms, better yet, hold the face of someone u truly have heart for.

They were very suggestive. I were reluctant, to say the least. I had never thought of doing so, precisely during the conversation dated back to 4 years ago. I was so young, i don't even know what that means. I reminisced.




Dated present.



Sipped on the coffee. Thick and black. My favorite drink equally matched my description. I was a green boy. I turned black in an instant. That day - i would not dare to remember. So, i shut my eyes for a while. My anger starts to shroud me. It came so suddenly - no warning sign. Some might already know about this. Others - they just thought i was just rebellious. In a sense, they aren't that mistaken. I lived a happy life for 20 years. After that, well, the picture get clearer and clearer each passing day.

I remembered Sensei Omar. The one person that cools me down when it hits. He is not around anymore. Died at the age of 71. May he rest in peace. I still carry on with his teachings. I never thought a "shiko-dachi" could have helped me. It's no meditation of sort, it is just keeping my heartbeat leveled. My asthma was cured because of these.



Lightning again. My eyelids are well opened now. My rate of breath is slowly gain normal patterns again. The phone rang again. I hesitated. No. I needed to be at peace. They would understand why i did not pick up the call. My laptop is still on. The cursor had blinked, untouched on the same spot for thousands of times already. Oh, i haven't typed in anything yet. My thoughts are working on that for me. I sighed a long sigh. It's not relieving, but it would help.



There i was again. "I just need a shoulder", i whisper. I asked again "...but, how?...and where"

There. My hasty heart whispers again.


So, i reached out for another stick - only this time it went unlit until a few passing minutes. My eyes stopped on my wallet, in my pouch. I grabbed a photo out of it. There. A familiar face. My mom's. The cigarette were not puffed. My eyes started to get rather teary. I know, i've seen my mom the last couple of days, but i missed her already. I am just as sensitive. So, my mood swing is back, for the reasons i cannot yet understand. I am infuriated. Mom's photo is in the wallet again. Pulled out another photo - of a person i used to love - then quickly put it in again. I can't bear to see the photo any longer, not for a few more seconds. It tends to hurt a bit.



The phone rang again. My personal phone. A familiar ring tone was heard. It was mom. The first sentence she said was a question. "Son, are you okay?"



Every time she used the word "son", i tend to be speechless. It is because of a word, that i truly understand what it means. It needs no elaborations what so ever, other that the word "love". Yeah, love is always the element in disguise.


"Ma, i am fine". A terribly shaky voice i had to reply with. She knows that i am not. She had to giggle a little, knowing that i was lying. From my childhood, i was a terrible liar. I can't even hide a thing without getting trembled. So i giggled a little, too.



(End of part 1)

"Misunderstanding him"

Just sharing this as i stumbled upon it during a read out.




Misunderstanding him.

This article is entirely addressed to women. While reading this article carefully, one can find out that sometimes she misunderstands him (friend, husband or partner) and will learn to comprehend men better.

He is not so bad
First of all, let us remind you that men differ from women. They communicate in another way, they can hardly speak about their emotions. That is why when we begin to contact with them, it is so hard to understand some of their steps and reactions. Imagine the situation: a very cute young man sees an attractive lady at the party. Their eyes meet and they feel mutual attraction. They get acquainted, and the lady feels that this man hardly looks at her, he speaks with her in a monotonous voice, and his phrases sound like commands: “Sit down, let’s have a talk”, etc. He speaks about himself and his successes; when the lady tries to change the topic of discussion, he nearly ignores it, still speaking about himself and trying to produce positive impression. What does she feel? Only disappointment and regret. But the main idea is that this man behaves as men usually do.

Let him boast
Men like to talk about their achievements in business, but women perceive it as a sign of egoistic male nature (some men seem to behave like boys that boast who is the strongest, the cleverest and so on). That is why you should take this character trait as a matter of course. The main point is to show him respect, to like him, to let a man be himself.

Laugh together with him
Men like to make caustic remarks. They consider it to be funny, while women interpret male jokes as an expression of real feelings, or even desire to hurt and offend. How would you feel if your boyfriend says something like: “Ok, eat this doughnut too, they look so lovely on your body?” By all means, you won’t take it as a compliment. You will begin to think over his words, coming up to conclusions about drawbacks of your figure, and so on. The problem is that your friend has just made a joke in “man’s style”. If he told the joke of that kind to his male friend – he would simply laugh, and eat another doughnut . Let him joke, and look at his jokes as he looks at them, he simply wants to show that he is really witty.

Man and his living space
Men always need more space, than women do. Women would rather accept this peculiarity for an irritating and dictatorial one. When a man interferes into your private space, he simply follows the habit, he has been doing it since childhood, and has got used to demonstrate his force in this way.

Don’t trespass on guardianship
Women sometimes try to guard and take care of their men too much. They do it for splendid motives, while a man would feel himself as a child. Such a strong man, as he takes himself for, would never like this role. If a girl is persistent in her constant excessive care, a man can even disappear one day.

Control or…?
Do you feel that you are guided by your man? You are not alone in this feeling! The problem lies in difference of men’s and woman’s mentality. When you ask a man for help, you expect to be protected, but instead you get thousands of extra questions about the problem. Why does it happen? Just because you want to be calmed down, while he wants to solve your problem and know everything about it.

“I want to do it myself”
Sometimes you are surprised with your partner refusing any help; for example, if he faces a problem at work, he won’t ask you for help, as he was taught to solve all problems on his own! At least, he won’t ask you for help directly, he would rather only discuss the problem with you. It is really up to you whether to hear him out, or suggest a good way out of the situation. Remember only one thing - if you give advice, even good and reasonable, his self-evaluation would suffer greatly. Try to give him just a hint and keep man’s assurance in his knowing the best way out. Don’t compete with him - play into his hands.

Everybody wants to be loved
Men really like compliments not less than women, but always pretend they don’t. Try not to criticize your partner, stimulate his activity and successes with compliments.

Communication and solitude
You love him, you consider him to be your best friend, and you strive to spend more time with him, while men prefer to meet with the representatives of their own sex. He can speak about whatever he wants, he really needs this communication just to refresh his forces. That is why if you ask him not to meet with his friends – the only possible reaction will be offence and alienation. He will never be under your total control!

Actions are more revealing than words!
Even if he says: “Bring me beer!” instead of “Could you bring me beer, please?”, that doesn’t mean he is a rude fellow. Remember, men will always be men. It is really hard to change male nature, so you must appreciate him without any changes.






Thanks to : (writer)

http://peoplerelationships.syl.com/communicationinrelationships/misunderstandinghim



So, what's new? I was amazed when reading this article, because mostly is TRUE. I can't say it any other way, but just agreed to the statements.

No offense, but i am just sharing.

Not much has happened in the new year of January. I have got things to share, but as for the moment i am very much occupied. I will have a new entry soon enough.

Hey, just have this new layout done. It was easy and i managed to finish it in a jiffy. Well, some of my readers said the previous page was too "dark". Giggles.

Here it is. The new lifeashisyam.blogspot.com. Hope the viewers liked it.












Adios for now.