Letting Go. Do I Have The Strength?

Today - 17th December 2009, Thursday.


Just a few weeks before the new year, 2010. I was reflecting myself for the past 2 weeks now, as much as i could. Having major flashbacks of the past, whether good or bad experiences through life. Yes, quite intimidating, i might say the least, and as adamant as it may seem, i am willingly letting go of the past. I would really want to start over - Fresh.

Just like a new born baby, regardless of how impossible it might sound. This is just me being me.




Lets discuss about life.
In general, from my point of view, life is made up of different elements. As such, trust. Lets not get this complicated. It has already tangled up my life, so as for others, that, i am very sure of it. As for lately, i have seen and experienced the illness of the absence of trust in mine.


Friends.

What a beautiful word that is. For some, being just friends is not enough. Then came along close friends, best friends, pet friends ; just name it. They came in different assorted packages. Some seems genuine at first, but later, much types of these so called friends will tend to hurt us, and most of them will use THE friends as stepping stones, as slaves, and yes, using friends as for their own self-accomplishments. In other words, USING THEM. Yes, i am being used by many people, i am quite aware of that, but i just swallowed it even though it's like literally putting sharp, edgy needles in your stomach. For me, what matters the most, i can see them smiling. After a while, i got tired of all these.



I came, i saw but yet, i am too soft-hearten to get myself back in the circle. It's inevitable and unpredictable. Let's just say it as a DISAPPOINTMENT.


Sometimes i just wished i never took the liberty. One disappointment after another. When will this infinite cycle stop?

Here i am, trying to be the best for them, but when friends being too self-centered, i guess there is no point to even make a point to them. It will only make matters worst. Oh yes, i learned it the hard way, but being the dumb me, i always let my guard's down. Why? Just because i love my friends. Regardless, now i am making a decision. I have been hurt so much, carried these disappointments along the way, so i decided to end this nonsense. I guess people does enjoy seeing others in agony, i presume at first. At present, cumulatively i see it is so true.


The feeling of experiencing of being used, is not a rare sight for me. Trust me, those people that seemed awfully too friendly is those types that we really need be extra careful with. I won't say names here (yet, i am still protecting them after what they had done to me).


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Sigh...


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Some people said i have been looking rather sick and lost weight in less than 2 weeks. They even asked whether if i took pills or things like that to tone down. No, i did not. Yes. I feel the slight change as well, but if they knew what's causing it, they would probably start to at least understand a portion of what i am feeling at the moment. It's a major let down. But, i'm just keeping my problems to myself. I don't need to be sympathetic to gain sympathy. I just hate that. I am rather weak at the moment, but i am not losing my sanity.


Oh, i can go on, forever!


Let me put it this way. I am currently ending most of my relationships with people around me. There is no more quality in them, so i would like to have them disappear from my life. This is not a homicidal threats. I am speaking figuratively.


What started beautifully, should end the same. Not with me. For me, if it's done, it's done. How would i do it? I will start to have them annoyed. Yes, when the hate is there, it's less painful for me to finally be gone. But trust me, ending it is not as easy as it may sound. Both parties will get hurt, emotionally, but for what mattered most, it will be the end of the suffering. If it's for the best, then i am willing to opt on this way.


For me, there is a simple way to see things. Yes or No. Like or dislike. Love or hate. It's so simple, yet we humans tend to complicate things. I wonder why.




My hope, for those reading this, if i made the wrong decision, please let me know.
If you start to feel irritated by my actions, i am sorry. I would want to end the relationship. A note for all. I seriously grew weary of these dirt in each and every kind of relationship. It WILL hurt you, but i guess i am carrying the heavier load here. Do as you please. I hope when it's over, it's over.


I am just sad.









My emotional state : I had to do this. I am sorry.