Why...?

Hello again,


This may be a short one. Seeing by my current state, i am not able to think straight and words seem to play me jokes as awful as it sounds to me.

I had a rough morning today. I kinda don't know why. Maybe i got cobwebs in my mind now. I just can't see things the way i used to. Something or somewhat has blocked my sanity view, these past few days.

Well, it's still is till i decide to write this down. My eyelids are extremely heavy, yet i can't shut it. Here's a thought....WHY?

So, i kept asking myself over and over again until i get scrabbles in my head. Nothing seems to spell right. All i can make out is the word WHY. Gee. Somebody, please yell at me.



So, given this word to think about, and yeah, i spent the whole day thinking of these whys. I started to have thoughts on scientific matters at the beginning, like why are leaves of certain plant colored green because chlorophyll? Why can't it be red, instead? Well, it's not a surprise if i can't answer that question. Go smirk...! So, followed by the question, are some questions about life itself...


I thought about : Why the need for war? Why is there sexual abuse? Why is this? Why is that? Why am i being treated this way? Why can't i have my share of smile? Why is me being so helpless?

Gee, and i thought why suddenly i get these uncertain feeling again such, since the night before (see : earlier post - Thursday, August 27, 2009 - Yet to understand...)

You see, when i tried to understand something, i always put my self into what i am thinking about. Yeah, talk about super-imagination. That has been in me since i was younger. Got worse when i turn 16. It has made me introvert, at some point. Again, this bothers me a lot!



Well, having difficult moments always leaves me with whys. I just don't want to think about it anymore. It always made me end up feeling either really bad, or really anxious or mostly it made me a brute that does not care for anything around me. I got bad reputation because of that. People started to notice me not being myself these past few days. I yell a lot, i get tempered easily, and most probably, i don't talk as much. Why? I don't know? Why i don't know? I don't know why. That is why i hate subjective matters. There's always a why behind all of it. Is it just me? Why, i don't know. I can surely tell that there are some other people sharing the same problem like me. Well, if i do find one, we can talk round the clock.



So, here i go again with the whys. Relationship-wise. Why am i being so caring to those people that seems to hurt me indirectly? I still don't have the smallest of clues, yet. I am not a very caring person, i might say, but when i do get to care and cared for, i can really be the most passionate. I mean, isn't all of us like that? So, to what extend? Why, people can be handsomely generous and lovable when reaching this state.

Why did i treat people nicely? Is it because i wanted to share their joy? Is it because i wanted to care? Is it because i am seen that way? I mean, nice? I am to those who accepted me as i am.

Why is people telling me what they thought i wanted to hear? I need reality, not sympathy. How pathetic can i be? Why?


...and the biggest question for me is, why i still cared for those who hurt me? They know i am sensitive. They tried to understand me, maybe, but are they really trying? As i said before, i don't need sympathy. I am not a beggar. I control my life, God-willing.



Sigh... Sigh... Sigh...




I already puffed quite a number of cigarettes while i was typing this. I feel a bit drowsy already. Maybe i should continue this later. My head is playing scrabbles again.




Gee, God-willing, i need a helping hand here.









My emotional state : Have you seen Robocop gets dismantled...?