Lost of the Last Card of Sanity

Someone told me that year 2010 would not be so great for me. I tried not to listen. I have always been a fighter. I will do what it takes to see things the right way. It seems he was somehow right. I have been struggling. Hard. My emotions get so unstable sometimes. I can't figure out even the simplest things, i can't see things that are so obvious, being around a lot disappointments. Why?


I can't answer that. I am just tired.




And today, i have done something i would never thought of doing. I guess, life had pushed me too far. Life had already reacted to my change. Seem like it's taking me down with it. And probably some people, too. No, i am not being paranoid at all. I have been in this state for a few years now. So have i learned to let go.


I have lost my last card of sanity. That last card is a savior of mine. Someone that i have been looking up to.

Now i am left with a tiny shard of what i used to have. Writing this down is very hard. I have thousand pauses in between, seems like my fingers are shaking, trembling as much as i don't even know what i have done. And at this moment i am not sure as to why i am feeling very broken. Why am i feeling the guilt? I really wanted to scream my life out. I should have never done it!!! I am so shrouded with negative emotions lately!!! Why am i so easily tempered?!



I AM SO SORRY! I COULDN'T HELP TO BE DISAPPOINTED AGAIN...! I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I DID THAT TO HELP MYSELF. Because no one can. Not even you can help me in this state i am in. I may lead a happy life ahead of me, but that's probably from the external perspective.






I regret saying what i said. But i can never regret my actions.



I just hope you would understand this, and for the last time, i am sorry. Sorry for being so uptight towards you. I would never want this to end. I know my words aren't the kindest of words. I am just being truthfully sincere.


I have said too much. I will take my leave now.





I just wanted 1 last thing. Don't forget to say Goodbye to me if you decide to go. If you see me smiling, maybe it isn't so. It's me struggling to be strong. I forgot how to smile for something that's isn't there. You'd understand me. You're the only one who could.







Emotional State : Full of unbalanced emotions. LOST.

Friend = Betrayal?

I have been real busy with life lately. Well, as always. Ever since i deactivated my last Facebook account, few things fell apart. I lost a part of me there. The good news is, i get to be with myself a lot frequent than before. I enjoyed making myself busy in the office, after working hours, all by myself. My life is all about work, work and work. It's something that i love to do.

Being in a relationship does affected my work life. I started to lose track of my schedule, neglecting my obligations towards my nation, and my family. That was really bad of me. Now that i am not in a relationship anymore, i have set my wings steadily opened. Well, not really in a relationship, maybe. Ala, whatever lah!

One major setback was, i get a bit lonely, but at the same time i neglected my need to socialize. I just think that the more people i bump into, the more "hateful" i get. I have this problem where i sometimes does not need to be seen, to interact and to simply put it this way - I WANT TO BE ALONE. Entahlah, i don't like to be in crowds. The more people around at any given time, the more "hateful" i get, especially when i'm around hypocrites. Jenis yang kuat cover-line tu lagi la aku menyampah.



"Friends" told me that they know how i feel, but don't be stupid by saying that because no one in the world would have an inch of clue about what others are experiencing. I find that very hard to swallow. Yes, u may say i have been all negative by saying this, because what they did was to console me in a manner where judging physically i am in a bad situation, whereas i am not. I am not applying this to all friends, though. Just telling how 80% of my friends are the hypocrite type. Bunch of liars, telling lies just to have ends meet. They say they will be there when i need them, but not much to my surprise, MOST OF THAT IS ALL BULLSHIT. Those are just simply words, spoken without meaning. Promises that are meant to be broken, i foresee it, yet i humbly lowered my ego, always giving chances to people but again and again i got disappointed.


I still kept in touch with a few people. The ones that never tries to judge, but to understand. I feel at ease with them because they will help me understand my problems if i had any. Maybe that is the reason i still have some hope in people. Ah, now i am unsure. It's tragic. This is all madness. I don't know what else to say. There is so much swirls on my mind. I JUST DON'T TRUST ANYBODY ANYMORE.


Why do people lie? Where is the fun in that? I have experienced lies from the tiniest to the extreme. Why are some people afraid to come clean to me? Why would they wait for me to bust them open because the pain of a knife on your back is the worst kind of pain as far as i can tell. Is trust the cheapest thing around? Well if had no value at all then why am i feeling a like i lost something upon back-stabbed? That's as far as friendship goes. I don't have to tell about my previous relationships. Those times were all disastrous - lacks trust. They eventually turn out to be "stalkers" than admirers. I feel chained. I can't be friendly with another person lah. Jealousy lah. ALL MY PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS are behind me. It means i won't be thinking about them anymore. The direction i am going is forward. Now i am focusing to the friendlier side of me. I won't be able to get myself in a new relationship with this rage inside me.



Just 1 question is bothering me much these days. Why lie to me when u know i detect lies easily?
Entahlah...

They know they did some wrong thing towards me. Even so, they kept quiet. So, i did the same thing. I kept quiet about it. Until they started asking what is my problem. My problem is i hate liars! Bottom line - Period! No matter how small, a lie is a lie.



All i can say is, from now on, i am my own man. And stop asking or ever wonder why i did not return phone calls, texts, or email to you, because i stopped believing in "Friends". I have trusted enough to be disappointed, again and again.


AND TO ALL LIARS, PLEASE STOP CALLING ME BUDDY or BROTHER or whatever. It means nothing anymore. I have a name and please stick with it.





Emotional State : Lonely, but that's okay. Got used to it!