I can't be unrealistic.

Lately, i have been under my own skin. It's really hard to explain why, but things are just how they are. My mood swings are off the charts. I feel a lot of pressure coming from the inside and from outside as well. I feel like the world is against me, for some reasons i don't know why.


Things changed, so does people and from my own perspective, i reverted so many times and yet i can't seem to put it swinging like a pendulum with its own balanced, rhythmic and understandable motion. Mine was like a typhoon waiting to get off its designated track. Scares the shit out of me as well, coz i don't really know what i can do. All i can tell is, i could be dangerous to people around me. I have the tendencies to just hurt anyone if that's necessary to make me feel at ease, even if it will do a little change to my emotions.


Sometimes i get too emotionally unstable i would just shut up and cared less of my surroundings. I will have no mood to talk to anyone, its my way of retreating to seek peace. It is better than to start hitting on things or even worse beating up people. My few previous phones was all evidence of this anger bursting out. Don't mention about my knuckles, they are all accustomed to blood and pain, so to speak.

Now i know how to, little by little, trying to get over my problems. By seeking people who cared to listen or at least the people that pretends they cared. Whatever it is, i just say things out loud, try not to keep it inside and just get along with things. Bummer.

This is a song Lyric from Green Day, titled "Nice Guys Finish Last"

Nice guys finish last.
You’re running out of gas.
Your sympathy will get you left behind.
Sometimes you’re at your best, when you feel the worst.
Do you feel washed up, like piss going down the drain?

Pressure cooker pick my brain and tell me I’m insane.
I’m so fucking happy I could cry.
Every joke can have its truth and now the joke’s on you.
I never knew you were such a funny guy.

Oh nice guys finish last, when you are the outcast.
Don’t pat yourself on the back you might break your spine.
Living on command.
You’re shaking lots of hands.
You’re kissing up and bleeding all your trust, taking what you need.
Bite the hand that feeds.
You lose your memory and you got no shame.


[Green Day- Nice Guys Finish Last Lyrics]

Cerita Mengenai Tupai.

Ada beberapa jenis tupai di bumi ni. Ada tupai yang baik, ada juga tupai yang sederhana dan sudah semestinya ada tupai yang jahat. Walau bagaimanapun, ada satu lagi jenis tupai yang jarang disebut oleh kita. Tupai yang jarang disebut ini bukanlah kecil dari segi bilangannya, malah jumlahnya tersangatlah besar sehingga kita langsung tidak menyebut tentangnya. Tupai jenis ini adalah dari spesis "Tupai Yang Tersangatlah Hebatnya Melompat Akhirnya Jatuh Ke Muka Bumi". Pendek kata kita boleh memanggil tupai jenis ini sebagai "Tupai Hebat".

"Tupai Hebat" ini telah jauh meninggalkan tupai-tupai lain dari segi perwatakannya. Pendek kata, "Tupai Hebat" ini boleh dikatakan merangkumi kesemua tupai-tupai yang lain. Hendak dikata baik, tak juga. Hendak dikata sederhana, tak juga. Hendak dikata jahat, tidak juga. Peribadi "Tupai Hebat" ini sangatlah tidak dapat dikenali jika dikaji dengan pemikiran yang sederhana, ataupun baik. Kenapa? Kerana "Tupai Hebat" sangatlah handal melompat. Tupai-tupai lain yang tidak dapat menjadi setanding "Tupai Hebat" terus tertinggal jauh dibelakang. Alangkah kasihan sekali tupai-tupai dari spesis lain itu.

Ramai tidak berani memperkatakan perihal "Tupai Hebat" ini kerana ramai yang telah menjadi mangsanya. "Tupai Hebat" ini jenis yang tidak peduli tentang tupai-tupai lain kerana baginya mungkin tupai-tupai lain yang tidak pandai melompat sehandalnya bukanlah satu perkara yang diminatinya. Entah kenapa tupai-tupai lain selalu menjadi mangsanya. Sangatlah kasihan. "Tupai Hebat" juga mampu berada dimana-mana yang ia suka. Kadang-kadang berada diatas pokok bersama Tupai Baik. Kadang-kadang dengan Tupai Sederhana. Sekejap pula dengan Tupai Jahat. Mungkin juga kadang-kadang ia berada bersama burung gagak. Itulah kegemilangan "Tupai Hebat". Lompatan ia sangatlah jauh. Tak terlihat dengan mata kasar. Lalu "Tupai Hebat" akan berasa bangga dengan pencapaiannya.

Walaupun "Tupai Hebat" ini sangat bangga dengan apa yang ia ada, tetapi "Tupai Hebat" ini bukanlah jenis yang agak berani apabila berdepan dengan masalahnya. "Tupai Hebat" sangat pandai memberi helah, walaupun tupai-tupai lain tahu bahawa helah-helah "Tupai Hebat" tersebut berunsurkan penipuan. Tupai-tupai lain terpaksa terima sahaja helah-helah tersebut dan secara tak langsung makan hati. "Tupai Hebat" selalu berkata bahawa ekornya pendek dan tidak sepanjang tupai-tupai lain, walhal secara terang, ekor "Tupai Hebat" sama panjang dan cantik dengan tupai-tupai lain. Mungkin dengan berkata sedemikianlah "Tupai Hebat" dapat meraih populariti dengan simpati yang diperoleh dari kalangan tupai-tupai yang agak lemah fikirannya. Kasihan. Selalunya mangsa "Tupai Hebat" iti adalah dikalangan Tupai Baik.

Tupai Baik selalu terpaksa makan hati dengan tindakan "Tupai Hebat". Entah kenapa Tupai Baik yang tidak pandai melompat itu sangat sayang dan sanjung kepada "Tupai Hebat" itu. Mungkin kerana "Tupai Hebat" itu cantik dimata Tupai Baik? Mungkin kerana Tupai Baik ingin membuktikan kepada "Tupai Hebat" yang dunia ini lebih baik jika sekalian tupai jujur dalam perbuatan mereka. Agak sukar bagi Tupai Baik melaksanakan niatnya. Tupai Baik kemudiannya membesar sebagai Tupai Sederhana. Pada masa ini, Tupai Sederhana sudah boleh mengagak arah lompatan "Tupai Hebat" ini, walaupun Tupai Sederhana masih ketinggalan. "Tupai Hebat" yang sudah selesa dangan raihnya itu semakin lama semakin kurang memberi perhatian kepada tindak tanduknya yang semakin jelas di mata tupai-tupai lain. Ianya menjadi semakin jelas apabila sedikit demi sedikit Tupai Sederhana secara tidak sedarnya berada dibelakang arah loncatan "Tupai Hebat" walaupun dahan pokok yang digunakan oleh Tupai Sederhana tidak sama dengan dahan yang dipijak oleh "Tupai Hebat". Sedarinya bahawa Tupai Sederhana hampir berdekatan dengannya, "Tupai Hebat" secara kebiasaannya mengugut Tupai Sederhana. Tupai Sederhana yang tergamam dan hampa itu, telah patah semangat. Tupai Sederhana berhenti melompat buat beberapa hari kerana telah hilang semangat. Lompatan Tupai Sederhana jauh lebih kecil berbanding lompatan ia yang penuh semangat sebelum ini. "Tupai Hebat" pula melompat hebat seperti biasa walaupun ia berasa bersalah juga dengan Tupai Sederhana tersebut. Akan tetapi, "Tupai Hebat" perlu berbuat begitu agar ia mendapat apa yang ia mahukan.

Tupai Sederhana juga bukan jenis yang berputus asa, namun apakan daya setelah beberapa kali diperlakukan begitu dan hatinya tidak lagi ingin menjejaki "Tupai Hebat" tersebut dan mencari arah tuju lain yang ia rasakan sesuai dengannya.

Tupai Sederhana yang masih lagi menyanjugi "Tupai Hebat" walaupun ia sendiri tidak tahu mengapa ia sedemikian. Perasaan kasih pada "Tupai Hebat" tidak pernah hilang selepas setiap kali "Tupai Hebat" melukakan hatinya dengan kata-kata yang tidak sepatutnya dipertuturkan

"Tupai Hebat" masih melompat. Pada masa ini "Tupai Hebat" sudah mula minat bergaul dengan Tupai Jahat. Spesis Tupai Jahat ini tidak mempunyai pendirian hidup. Ia tidak memikirkan soal maruah diri dan hanya mahukan keseronokan hidup. Tupai Jahat tidak peduli dengan perkara baik atau buruk sebaliknya ia jenis mementingkan diri sendiri. Walaupun begitu, spesis Tupai Jahat adalah lebih baik jika dibandingkan dengan "Tupai Hebat" kerana sejahat-jahat ia, ia akan mengaku tentang kesilapannya dan sangat jarang menuduh tupai-tupai lain. "Tupai Hebat" tidak sedemikian. Baginya semua perkara boleh diperubahkan mengikut citarasa ia.

Itulah kehebatan "Tupai Hebat".

Bersambung...

Weird dream, real meaning.

It was Sunday, January 17th 2011.

Had a weird dream last night. The were some giant butterflies in my room. The weird thing is, some of them turned into giant grasshoppers. They infested my room, puts me in a terrified state and i was basically crying for help. I was so scared and covered myself with a blanket. I tried to chase them away by shouting so loudly, but to no avail. Those giant grasshoppers noticed i was scared and started to pound on me, clawed me, and stomped on me. I was covered by my own blood. Lots of it. I knew at the moment that my time would be over soon. I was helpless. They grew more and more agitated and ferocious. I screamed for the final time. I passed out from exhaustion.

When i finally came to, i tried opening my eyes, upon hearing shrieks from many of the giant grasshoppers. There were someone else in my dark room. Alone. Fighting with those giant grasshoppers. It was a homeless man, seeing that he was dirty and naked. He was covered with grease, smells rotten and somehow mentally challenged. My friends were already dead, even they were equipped with some "would-cause-fatal" weapons. (I don't know where they got those weapons from, though) Those beautiful butterflies are all dead, as well. I got terrified again.

I startled, as i watched that homeless man fought bravely, ignoring the pain he received. I was only strong enough to weep. I never saw his face given the fact that it was very dark. I can only see silhouettes of figures in the room. That homeless man fought with his bare hands! I can see claw marks on his back. He was bleeding, too. I feared for him. He fought and fought and fought. I watched in silence until he finally torn apart the last of the giant grasshoppers. They were plenty of ooze and blood in the room.

Then he finally turn around and looked at me. I still can't see his face. I can only his weak smile. He came forward, puts me to sit and then puts his hand on my chest. He then, disappeared in a form of light. Only then i saw his face!




.................................................................




I WOKE UP WITH A FAST BUT HEAVY HEARTBEAT. SOMEHOW I WAS CRYING. THAT HOMELESS WAS ACTUALLY THE OTHER SIDE OF ME!!! THE FIGHTER IN ME!!!




I got up from bed and started to rationalize. What was that all about?

I can only speculate, but this is what i think best suits the dream's meaning.


1 = Butterflies : Friends, family and the society.


2 = Those giant grasshoppers are : My Problems in life.

They won't go away. They are hard to deal with, constantly revolves around me. These grasshoppers are also my previous sins ; always haunts me indirectly. Some of them are also the people around me. From beautiful butterflies, they turned ugly and started to show their true faces. Always blend in among the other people in my life, just waiting the right moment to hurt me.

Those grasshoppers are also my anger. It will hurt me somehow. True, i have already absorbed too much, and when it breaks, no one can help me except for myself.



3= Dark room : Which are exactly what my room is like. I have painted it 100% black up to the ceiling.

It means i wanted to be in my own world. Yes, it goes similar to my characteristics. It may be a small room, but the i created my own dimension. It feels big. The dark room is the world. It is so big yet so small. Go figure.


4= The dirty, smelly, and homeless man : I find this hard to write. That homeless man was me. At least, he was my sub-conscious self. He's dirty. He smell bad. He was naked.

It means i don't need to have some things in life that i may need, but somehow it tells me i can survive even though i may end up with nothing. This fact got me interested, that the fact that in the end, we all have nothing to keep. We will depart with nothing in possession.

The homeless man being dirty means my soul is tainted and i need to do something about it. It may be a slow progress, but i am trying hard. I got dirty because of my previous sins...

The homeless man smell bad? I can't see the meaning of it. Maybe i need to go to a spa or something? :)

The homeless man was naked : It clearly shows what i can do with what i know, rather than what i have. Perhaps this is what kept me going.





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So the true meaning of the dream?

I need to be in control of my own life! I won't let anyone bring me down! I know i have flaws but i will use these flaws to defend for myself! I can't trust too many people! I need to be stronger! I need to have faith in certain things! I need to stay truthful just the way i have always been!

I have to be myself in order to see the world as i may wished for, because in the end, the only person that can save me is MYSELF.