The End of a chapter? Is it?

24 December 2009 - Thursday.



Today is my last day of work. A long get away from work, i guess, yet i feel so reluctant, and i wonder why.


This is a short one. Maybe this is my final post as for 2009, who knows.



Okay. I wont write much for now. Experiencing my moods swing at the moment.




SO...
Here it is. A Happy New Year in advance.

"I Have A Dream"

My all time favorite song.



This is a cover, sung by Westlife.




I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope, with anything
If you see the wonder, of a fairytale
You can take the future, even if you fail
I believe in angels, something good in everything I see
I believe in angels, when I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream, I have a dream



Oh yeah



I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through, reality
And my destitation, makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness, still another mile
I believe in angels, something good in everything I see
I believe in angels, when I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream, I have a dream




I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope, with anything
If you see the wonder, of a fairytale
You can take the future, even if you fail
I believe in angels, something good in everything I see
I believe in angels, when I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream, I have a dream




I'll cross the stream
I have a dream...

Upon confusion.

The title suggests it.

I am a bit confused of what i see and feel of lately. I want something and yet i don't. I don't want something but yet, i feel i need it. Why is this so complicated?

Ah, i am keeping myself reserved as for the moment. I don't have to explain myself as yet. Just keeping it low for a while. Wait. A while? How long? Permanently? Am i able to do that? A total shut off?


Sigh. Let me be.

I wanted it to be the best. Sacrifices along the way is inevitable. I need to be in focus. Even if it means to see a disaster as beauty.



Or, is it?



OH, January 2010 is coming. I can't wait to leave some of my experiences in life behind me. I need to move forward. I am keeping some goodbyes inside, yet to be said.


It kills me. Literally.



My emotional state : ......

Letting Go. Do I Have The Strength?

Today - 17th December 2009, Thursday.


Just a few weeks before the new year, 2010. I was reflecting myself for the past 2 weeks now, as much as i could. Having major flashbacks of the past, whether good or bad experiences through life. Yes, quite intimidating, i might say the least, and as adamant as it may seem, i am willingly letting go of the past. I would really want to start over - Fresh.

Just like a new born baby, regardless of how impossible it might sound. This is just me being me.




Lets discuss about life.
In general, from my point of view, life is made up of different elements. As such, trust. Lets not get this complicated. It has already tangled up my life, so as for others, that, i am very sure of it. As for lately, i have seen and experienced the illness of the absence of trust in mine.


Friends.

What a beautiful word that is. For some, being just friends is not enough. Then came along close friends, best friends, pet friends ; just name it. They came in different assorted packages. Some seems genuine at first, but later, much types of these so called friends will tend to hurt us, and most of them will use THE friends as stepping stones, as slaves, and yes, using friends as for their own self-accomplishments. In other words, USING THEM. Yes, i am being used by many people, i am quite aware of that, but i just swallowed it even though it's like literally putting sharp, edgy needles in your stomach. For me, what matters the most, i can see them smiling. After a while, i got tired of all these.



I came, i saw but yet, i am too soft-hearten to get myself back in the circle. It's inevitable and unpredictable. Let's just say it as a DISAPPOINTMENT.


Sometimes i just wished i never took the liberty. One disappointment after another. When will this infinite cycle stop?

Here i am, trying to be the best for them, but when friends being too self-centered, i guess there is no point to even make a point to them. It will only make matters worst. Oh yes, i learned it the hard way, but being the dumb me, i always let my guard's down. Why? Just because i love my friends. Regardless, now i am making a decision. I have been hurt so much, carried these disappointments along the way, so i decided to end this nonsense. I guess people does enjoy seeing others in agony, i presume at first. At present, cumulatively i see it is so true.


The feeling of experiencing of being used, is not a rare sight for me. Trust me, those people that seemed awfully too friendly is those types that we really need be extra careful with. I won't say names here (yet, i am still protecting them after what they had done to me).


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Sigh...


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Some people said i have been looking rather sick and lost weight in less than 2 weeks. They even asked whether if i took pills or things like that to tone down. No, i did not. Yes. I feel the slight change as well, but if they knew what's causing it, they would probably start to at least understand a portion of what i am feeling at the moment. It's a major let down. But, i'm just keeping my problems to myself. I don't need to be sympathetic to gain sympathy. I just hate that. I am rather weak at the moment, but i am not losing my sanity.


Oh, i can go on, forever!


Let me put it this way. I am currently ending most of my relationships with people around me. There is no more quality in them, so i would like to have them disappear from my life. This is not a homicidal threats. I am speaking figuratively.


What started beautifully, should end the same. Not with me. For me, if it's done, it's done. How would i do it? I will start to have them annoyed. Yes, when the hate is there, it's less painful for me to finally be gone. But trust me, ending it is not as easy as it may sound. Both parties will get hurt, emotionally, but for what mattered most, it will be the end of the suffering. If it's for the best, then i am willing to opt on this way.


For me, there is a simple way to see things. Yes or No. Like or dislike. Love or hate. It's so simple, yet we humans tend to complicate things. I wonder why.




My hope, for those reading this, if i made the wrong decision, please let me know.
If you start to feel irritated by my actions, i am sorry. I would want to end the relationship. A note for all. I seriously grew weary of these dirt in each and every kind of relationship. It WILL hurt you, but i guess i am carrying the heavier load here. Do as you please. I hope when it's over, it's over.


I am just sad.









My emotional state : I had to do this. I am sorry.

Dis Amused by amusement

Dis Amused by amusement

Hello there. I need to write and share this particular post, so that in the future, i won't need to say it all over again.



Okay. Read this.


"Hai awak. Kenapa awak tak approve saya.dah lama saya add awak. awak taknak be friend ngan kita ke?Kita always suka ngan awak.add la kita awak"


Translated as...


"Hey you. Why haven't you approved my request. I added you a long time ago. Don't you want to be friends with me? I have always liked you. Add me, please"





So, okay. First of all. I don't judge.
Secondly, i just find it irritating. Just look at the broken Bahasa Malaysia/Bahasa Melayu.


Why irritating?
Huh? How do i even spell this out. Turns out to be, this person is a guy. Yes. His profile picture seems to show the obvious. His name on the screen suggested that he isn't. I wasn't born yesterday, for crying out loud.

The next thing that irritates me was his texts. Why did he even bother asking when i did not responded to his request? Gee, just read between the lines already, will you?


This is what i called as "Gedik". Yes. I have often see and experienced this almost everyday. For me, if people jokingly does that, i wouldn't mind so much. Just when things goes over the line, then i would feel a bit irritated. Some people does that to me in real life, and the next thing they will know, i already had them thrown away from my life. They will soon realized it the hard way, but it's the only possible way for me.

I already have problems and i seriously don't want to have more. :)

The end : The New Beginning. Perhaps.

Holla. Yes, i am back. After a while, huh? :) I guess majority of the readers/viewers could guess why. :)




I have lost my touch to write. Why? That is not the question here. I have being doing some thinking about changing my page to share my happiness rather than just expressing my angst. Well, it's way better than actually beating up somebody to a pulp, right? Ahahaha. Don't be scared, now. I don't feast on human. At least don't make me. :)


Evidently so, speaking in general, i somehow tried to write about the facts of life, that seemed cruel and yet beautiful ; clinging onto the same boat. When things are beautiful, people treasured and kept it safe. When something awful happened, people will start to point indexes ; blaming others. When will people start to blame themselves, learn to accept defeat and take responsibilities upon their selfish acts? Phew. I'd stopped sighing now.







On the brighter side.


Oh, today was a great day (minus all those problems at work). A dear friend celebrated her 25th birthday. I didn't know about it until a fellow dear friend actually called me while i was entering the office (or practically screamed at me... Giggles). "Syam, today is Sal's birthday", she said.
And there i was, thinking of doing something for her, yet my hands are tied at that moment. So i just said "Just you wait, Sal...! Oh, we are so going to bomb you..!", i jokingly said with moderate tone. Maybe Sal thought i was yelling at her. Ahahaha...! Sal was blushing like a cute kitten. Smirk.



So, i rounded up most of these people in my division excluding her, to come up with something. Sal had worked hard (like others), and by my opinion, she deserved to be treated with something nice from all of us. I mean, i used my own money to throw a mini party for Faeez, so i think it's her turn to be celebrated, though i am not a celebrating-type person. I just like seeing happy faces, and somehow deep inside i cried of joy. Oh, no. I won't get myself weep in public. That would be like figuratively stabbing my thighs with barbecue knives! :))


So, we decided to let two of the girls purchase a cake and some other stuff for the occasion. (Secret Recipe! Yummy...! Oops, got carried away. Pardon me.)


They bought this Chocolate Indulgence for her, mind me if i had the name mistaken. Not good at remembering things that happened recently. STML for short. :) Why am i smiling??? Ahahaha!



They bought some twisties as well, and there i was, deciding whether to or not to munch over those irresistible snacks. Hahaha. They also got a present for her, which is a nice shiny brooch. I never fancy brooches before but this one got my attention. Yes, it was beautiful. Nice taste, ladies. :)



There we were. Singing a Birthday song for Sal. Oh, and while everyone is busy and impatiently waited for her to arrive, no one has lighted the candles! So embarrassing! HAHAHAHAHA! We actually sang her the song without having lit those candles! OMG! AHAHAHAHA! Okay, so now they are lucky to have a smoker around. Yes, that's me. The only smoker around at that time. Faeez was no where to be found. :)) He was supposed to lit those...! Ahahaha! Ehem, my fault as well, because i forgot to ask him to do me a favor. :) What? I am busy, remember??? Hehe.



She had her wish. Read her beautiful Birthday card we bought for her. And it's the first time i saw her smiling all the time. :) What a beautiful scene it was.



So, in a nutshell, we had some laughs for a brief moment. It really soothes my heart witnessing the caress and love shared by people that is not blood-related, and yet share what they have and frankly speaking, i was made happy. Thank you for sharing, guys. You know i love each and every single one of you, even though i may screamed and yelled. Ahahhaa...That's just me. A crazy bear. :)



Oh, a priceless moment. Kept it. Locked.

I will later on add some pictures here. :)






Anyway...



At the moment, i am trying very hard to revert myself. The self that i used to be. The one that people say as care-less. Yes, i was once an awful lad - so they said. I beg to differ. As long as i can remember being myself is what i truly believe, the only reasonable thing that will make me happy.

I remembered that once, i lead a worry-free life. Yes, problems seem lurking here and there, but i overcome them quite easily. No bragging here because i always find a way to deal with those problem with ease with no help from others but myself. Well, that was figuratively ages ago. Giggles.



2008. Yes. The year that i decided to be more aware and sensitive towards people. That was the year i started to think heavily about myself and my surroundings. Oh yes. When people said i am a late-bloomer, they are not mistaken. I admit. I can shine like everyone else. What is the difference anyway? I will eventually get there, so there is no reason what so ever to accumulate what i have or what i am compared to you (people). Life is just. Oh, just let them be.



Particularly, i am not self-centered. I may look that way. It's just that i behave in a way that most people see as rude and yeah, brute. Hey, lookie. I can't even remember my own birthday for crying out loud. Ahahaha! So what's with this gesture of seeing me as being cold and self-centered, anyway? Come on... Giggles. As brute as i may look at certain times, i am not cruel. I know and i learned on terms.

Oh, getting this off the chest wasn't easy. This is just a pebble in the sea of what i wanted to say. At least for now, i won't go to the sensitive part (as yet). I am just trying to have a decent rest tonight, and i hope i won't get fused with my sensitive side for the moment. :) I am thinking heavily at the moment.


This is it for now. Have a wonderful evening to all. :) I'll drop a post again soon enough. :)








My emotional state : Oohhh...My leg is still swelling, but i am just smiling over it.