Weird dream, real meaning.

It was Sunday, January 17th 2011.

Had a weird dream last night. The were some giant butterflies in my room. The weird thing is, some of them turned into giant grasshoppers. They infested my room, puts me in a terrified state and i was basically crying for help. I was so scared and covered myself with a blanket. I tried to chase them away by shouting so loudly, but to no avail. Those giant grasshoppers noticed i was scared and started to pound on me, clawed me, and stomped on me. I was covered by my own blood. Lots of it. I knew at the moment that my time would be over soon. I was helpless. They grew more and more agitated and ferocious. I screamed for the final time. I passed out from exhaustion.

When i finally came to, i tried opening my eyes, upon hearing shrieks from many of the giant grasshoppers. There were someone else in my dark room. Alone. Fighting with those giant grasshoppers. It was a homeless man, seeing that he was dirty and naked. He was covered with grease, smells rotten and somehow mentally challenged. My friends were already dead, even they were equipped with some "would-cause-fatal" weapons. (I don't know where they got those weapons from, though) Those beautiful butterflies are all dead, as well. I got terrified again.

I startled, as i watched that homeless man fought bravely, ignoring the pain he received. I was only strong enough to weep. I never saw his face given the fact that it was very dark. I can only see silhouettes of figures in the room. That homeless man fought with his bare hands! I can see claw marks on his back. He was bleeding, too. I feared for him. He fought and fought and fought. I watched in silence until he finally torn apart the last of the giant grasshoppers. They were plenty of ooze and blood in the room.

Then he finally turn around and looked at me. I still can't see his face. I can only his weak smile. He came forward, puts me to sit and then puts his hand on my chest. He then, disappeared in a form of light. Only then i saw his face!




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I WOKE UP WITH A FAST BUT HEAVY HEARTBEAT. SOMEHOW I WAS CRYING. THAT HOMELESS WAS ACTUALLY THE OTHER SIDE OF ME!!! THE FIGHTER IN ME!!!




I got up from bed and started to rationalize. What was that all about?

I can only speculate, but this is what i think best suits the dream's meaning.


1 = Butterflies : Friends, family and the society.


2 = Those giant grasshoppers are : My Problems in life.

They won't go away. They are hard to deal with, constantly revolves around me. These grasshoppers are also my previous sins ; always haunts me indirectly. Some of them are also the people around me. From beautiful butterflies, they turned ugly and started to show their true faces. Always blend in among the other people in my life, just waiting the right moment to hurt me.

Those grasshoppers are also my anger. It will hurt me somehow. True, i have already absorbed too much, and when it breaks, no one can help me except for myself.



3= Dark room : Which are exactly what my room is like. I have painted it 100% black up to the ceiling.

It means i wanted to be in my own world. Yes, it goes similar to my characteristics. It may be a small room, but the i created my own dimension. It feels big. The dark room is the world. It is so big yet so small. Go figure.


4= The dirty, smelly, and homeless man : I find this hard to write. That homeless man was me. At least, he was my sub-conscious self. He's dirty. He smell bad. He was naked.

It means i don't need to have some things in life that i may need, but somehow it tells me i can survive even though i may end up with nothing. This fact got me interested, that the fact that in the end, we all have nothing to keep. We will depart with nothing in possession.

The homeless man being dirty means my soul is tainted and i need to do something about it. It may be a slow progress, but i am trying hard. I got dirty because of my previous sins...

The homeless man smell bad? I can't see the meaning of it. Maybe i need to go to a spa or something? :)

The homeless man was naked : It clearly shows what i can do with what i know, rather than what i have. Perhaps this is what kept me going.





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So the true meaning of the dream?

I need to be in control of my own life! I won't let anyone bring me down! I know i have flaws but i will use these flaws to defend for myself! I can't trust too many people! I need to be stronger! I need to have faith in certain things! I need to stay truthful just the way i have always been!

I have to be myself in order to see the world as i may wished for, because in the end, the only person that can save me is MYSELF.

Lost of the Last Card of Sanity

Someone told me that year 2010 would not be so great for me. I tried not to listen. I have always been a fighter. I will do what it takes to see things the right way. It seems he was somehow right. I have been struggling. Hard. My emotions get so unstable sometimes. I can't figure out even the simplest things, i can't see things that are so obvious, being around a lot disappointments. Why?


I can't answer that. I am just tired.




And today, i have done something i would never thought of doing. I guess, life had pushed me too far. Life had already reacted to my change. Seem like it's taking me down with it. And probably some people, too. No, i am not being paranoid at all. I have been in this state for a few years now. So have i learned to let go.


I have lost my last card of sanity. That last card is a savior of mine. Someone that i have been looking up to.

Now i am left with a tiny shard of what i used to have. Writing this down is very hard. I have thousand pauses in between, seems like my fingers are shaking, trembling as much as i don't even know what i have done. And at this moment i am not sure as to why i am feeling very broken. Why am i feeling the guilt? I really wanted to scream my life out. I should have never done it!!! I am so shrouded with negative emotions lately!!! Why am i so easily tempered?!



I AM SO SORRY! I COULDN'T HELP TO BE DISAPPOINTED AGAIN...! I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I DID THAT TO HELP MYSELF. Because no one can. Not even you can help me in this state i am in. I may lead a happy life ahead of me, but that's probably from the external perspective.






I regret saying what i said. But i can never regret my actions.



I just hope you would understand this, and for the last time, i am sorry. Sorry for being so uptight towards you. I would never want this to end. I know my words aren't the kindest of words. I am just being truthfully sincere.


I have said too much. I will take my leave now.





I just wanted 1 last thing. Don't forget to say Goodbye to me if you decide to go. If you see me smiling, maybe it isn't so. It's me struggling to be strong. I forgot how to smile for something that's isn't there. You'd understand me. You're the only one who could.







Emotional State : Full of unbalanced emotions. LOST.

Friend = Betrayal?

I have been real busy with life lately. Well, as always. Ever since i deactivated my last Facebook account, few things fell apart. I lost a part of me there. The good news is, i get to be with myself a lot frequent than before. I enjoyed making myself busy in the office, after working hours, all by myself. My life is all about work, work and work. It's something that i love to do.

Being in a relationship does affected my work life. I started to lose track of my schedule, neglecting my obligations towards my nation, and my family. That was really bad of me. Now that i am not in a relationship anymore, i have set my wings steadily opened. Well, not really in a relationship, maybe. Ala, whatever lah!

One major setback was, i get a bit lonely, but at the same time i neglected my need to socialize. I just think that the more people i bump into, the more "hateful" i get. I have this problem where i sometimes does not need to be seen, to interact and to simply put it this way - I WANT TO BE ALONE. Entahlah, i don't like to be in crowds. The more people around at any given time, the more "hateful" i get, especially when i'm around hypocrites. Jenis yang kuat cover-line tu lagi la aku menyampah.



"Friends" told me that they know how i feel, but don't be stupid by saying that because no one in the world would have an inch of clue about what others are experiencing. I find that very hard to swallow. Yes, u may say i have been all negative by saying this, because what they did was to console me in a manner where judging physically i am in a bad situation, whereas i am not. I am not applying this to all friends, though. Just telling how 80% of my friends are the hypocrite type. Bunch of liars, telling lies just to have ends meet. They say they will be there when i need them, but not much to my surprise, MOST OF THAT IS ALL BULLSHIT. Those are just simply words, spoken without meaning. Promises that are meant to be broken, i foresee it, yet i humbly lowered my ego, always giving chances to people but again and again i got disappointed.


I still kept in touch with a few people. The ones that never tries to judge, but to understand. I feel at ease with them because they will help me understand my problems if i had any. Maybe that is the reason i still have some hope in people. Ah, now i am unsure. It's tragic. This is all madness. I don't know what else to say. There is so much swirls on my mind. I JUST DON'T TRUST ANYBODY ANYMORE.


Why do people lie? Where is the fun in that? I have experienced lies from the tiniest to the extreme. Why are some people afraid to come clean to me? Why would they wait for me to bust them open because the pain of a knife on your back is the worst kind of pain as far as i can tell. Is trust the cheapest thing around? Well if had no value at all then why am i feeling a like i lost something upon back-stabbed? That's as far as friendship goes. I don't have to tell about my previous relationships. Those times were all disastrous - lacks trust. They eventually turn out to be "stalkers" than admirers. I feel chained. I can't be friendly with another person lah. Jealousy lah. ALL MY PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS are behind me. It means i won't be thinking about them anymore. The direction i am going is forward. Now i am focusing to the friendlier side of me. I won't be able to get myself in a new relationship with this rage inside me.



Just 1 question is bothering me much these days. Why lie to me when u know i detect lies easily?
Entahlah...

They know they did some wrong thing towards me. Even so, they kept quiet. So, i did the same thing. I kept quiet about it. Until they started asking what is my problem. My problem is i hate liars! Bottom line - Period! No matter how small, a lie is a lie.



All i can say is, from now on, i am my own man. And stop asking or ever wonder why i did not return phone calls, texts, or email to you, because i stopped believing in "Friends". I have trusted enough to be disappointed, again and again.


AND TO ALL LIARS, PLEASE STOP CALLING ME BUDDY or BROTHER or whatever. It means nothing anymore. I have a name and please stick with it.





Emotional State : Lonely, but that's okay. Got used to it!