About Me

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Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
This is a one-stop site where i will post entries about my life, as generally as my interest(s), updates and mostly on how i see things that's happening around me. Some entries might be emotional-fused, so please don't judge me, for i am just being true to myself.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

A habit i picked up since 2008

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I'm already so good at talking to the walls.



This is the situation. You have a large space, a spacious room maybe, and normally 4 erected sets of wall to make it up of. Try screaming in it. You could only hear yourself, the best of the last thing you get. The least of what you have to go by. Fun isn’t it? Not for me.



Yeah, kind of stupid on how it sounds, but some metaphors I used, often tells my current situation, possibly my emotions. Sometimes it sounded as sarcastic as I got motioned by it, but that are not entirely what I have in mind. Perhaps those are more to what my disappointment sounds like. Yes, a bit too narrative of me. You know, when you are in search in something, probably from somebody you know, sometimes those people already had the answers, but I wonder why they are so afraid of being honest to others, yet again toward themselves. Why are they really afraid of the simplest thing in the world? To be true is not so hard, quite frankly - well, if you are not a persistent liar, that is. Or are you? Ask yourself of the answer.


Just when i thought it was really something great, yes, or so i thought. Something greatly upsetting was not the one i had hoped for.



Potentially, I raised my hand in life’s classroom. Getting spoon-fed was not my intention of being in it. Sometimes I raised both of them, searching for what’s what and what’s not. It is agreeable, not much of my luck shines upon. I did always caught up with the same process over and over again - probably stumbled on the same drench of mud, fell off the same cliff and yeah, stubborn of me – that some had spoken.For me, these dangerous cliffs are often the safest of place to hang on to rather than just roaming free on the place where everyone seem to feel safe, in the open. Now, I won’t be saying on how much it does make some point to say that I like to be in the situation where, as dangerous as it seems, hardships was all that does the teaching.



Having said that, sometimes it does get too irritating, in terms of how it teaches us, don’t you think? By the means of how satisfactions comes after a dreaded battle between the truths and the not-so-true-by-nature elements in life. Ah, you can see the big picture by now. I don’t frame my words as beautifully as an expensive piece of furniture. That’s most probably the cheapest way to even describe something to say the least. Pointless – having to even start discussing on it.



So I hoped for the best of what I haven’t felt or seen or probably endeavor to. Linked from A to Z, I often cross paths with Y, and should I say this, Z was never seen for some of the things I need. It’s there, but to reach upon it – questionably very hard. Oh by the way, I skipped the alphabets from time to time, just to make ends meet, so to speak. This is the part when I’d really appreciate if you can go figure. When sometimes things are not meant to be spoken of, well this is it. I really don’t enjoy discussing such matters, coz even the closest people to me are unaware of those paths or shortcuts, people would call it by. It’s no secret to some, but let me just say, I don’t write those things on my forehead for the viewing pleasure, or is there any pleasure given out of it?



Constellation of my life was seen, yet it was difficult to even recognize the marking of dots leading to one another. Probably not a straight-forwarded path, I just strafe together with it. Canopied by the sense of stars shooting ever so beautifully without being aimed for? Still, it’s not even a millimeter close to making out a picture, yet.



Ah, the ramblings could last forever. Just my view on my own life, so I could not go bias over it, even some would say otherwise.



How's the sideburn? ;)

Saturday, April 3, 2010

In loving memory - Al-Fatihah

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In loving memory : Allahyarham Mohd Busairi B. Haji Mahfudz





Bush.


It's hard for me to even start this post. Just by typing his name - was enough to make me cry in silence.




I started to know him through Facebook, in my early days of using the Social Networking Site.


Arwah was one of the sincere people that i know in my life. He was never bias in his presence, always the cheerful one. He was pretty much alike myself, but he was just greater than me. I am already in tears when i decided to write this down, as i needed to. I must remind myself of him, as i would never want to forget. I just couldn't.

I can't write much, it tends to make me feel weak at some point. All i know we will all miss him dearly. His family and closest friends would feel a lot more than me. My condolences.








May you rest in peace, Bush. :'/


AL-FATIHAH...

بِسْمِ اللّهِ الرَّحْمـَنِ الرَّحِيم


In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

الْحَمْدُ للّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِين

Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds

الرَّحْمـنِ الرَّحِيم

The Beneficent, the Merciful.

مَـالِكِ يَوْمِ الدِّين

Owner of the Day of Judgment

1:5 إِيَّاك نَعْبُدُ وإِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِين

Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek.

اهدِنَــــا الصِّرَاطَ المُستَقِيمَ

Show us the straight path,

صِرَاطَ الَّذِينَ أَنعَمتَ عَلَيهِمْ غَيرِ المَغضُوبِ عَلَيهِمْ وَلاَ الضَّالِّين
The path of those whom Thou hast favored; Not the (path) of those who earn Thine anger nor of those who go astray.




We will all miss you greatly.


In loving memory : Mohd Busairi B. Haji Mahfudz



A blog entry from my dear friend in brunei - Rizal

http://freelancing-prince.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Ah, perhaps it's just one of those days. (Part 1)

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Ah, perhaps it's just one of those days. (Part 1)




It is raining. My laptop is on. I had my dinner at home. There's a cup the table. The hot coffee brewed in minutes. My cats meowing - wanted to get fed. Lightning. Flashes of light, everywhere. Lots of them. Then it was in total silence. No frog's croaking. Crickets are yet to come out and sing. Only the sounds of dripping raindrops - or at least the last bit of it all this time around. A cigarette is lit.









I am alone.










My eyes stopped blinking and i gazed. So far, it gets me in a trance, figuratively. Then, i was in the ignorant mood. The cats wants a refill. I am still holding a spoonful of course sugar in my hand, yet to poured in the cup of hot coffee. Mimi, she purred and held my leg. She got me back to reality. Then the mixture completed. Oh, and the particular song have been repeated for god knows how many times. It's just me, listening to the same old song over and over again. It's a song about life, the one that my father used to sing to me when i was little. He's gone now. All i am left with are memories.



Sat back on the chair.



The phones rang too many times already, and somehow i just don't bother to check upon it. I know some friends are worried. Some are pretty worried. I know that fact well, because all i get so far as responses are words of, how do i say this - Angst. I never would have expected it. I just throw out 3 simple words, so i get 300 words back. To that extent, i am truly sorry, people. My life gets too narrative, sometimes.


Still...


I looked on my palms. I see lines. I remembered what a few people told me before, that i have a nice palm. A soft pair of those, too. I was told to share. They said i should hold those people you really cared about with those palms, better yet, hold the face of someone u truly have heart for.

They were very suggestive. I were reluctant, to say the least. I had never thought of doing so, precisely during the conversation dated back to 4 years ago. I was so young, i don't even know what that means. I reminisced.




Dated present.



Sipped on the coffee. Thick and black. My favorite drink equally matched my description. I was a green boy. I turned black in an instant. That day - i would not dare to remember. So, i shut my eyes for a while. My anger starts to shroud me. It came so suddenly - no warning sign. Some might already know about this. Others - they just thought i was just rebellious. In a sense, they aren't that mistaken. I lived a happy life for 20 years. After that, well, the picture get clearer and clearer each passing day.

I remembered Sensei Omar. The one person that cools me down when it hits. He is not around anymore. Died at the age of 71. May he rest in peace. I still carry on with his teachings. I never thought a "shiko-dachi" could have helped me. It's no meditation of sort, it is just keeping my heartbeat leveled. My asthma was cured because of these.



Lightning again. My eyelids are well opened now. My rate of breath is slowly gain normal patterns again. The phone rang again. I hesitated. No. I needed to be at peace. They would understand why i did not pick up the call. My laptop is still on. The cursor had blinked, untouched on the same spot for thousands of times already. Oh, i haven't typed in anything yet. My thoughts are working on that for me. I sighed a long sigh. It's not relieving, but it would help.



There i was again. "I just need a shoulder", i whisper. I asked again "...but, how?...and where"

There. My hasty heart whispers again.


So, i reached out for another stick - only this time it went unlit until a few passing minutes. My eyes stopped on my wallet, in my pouch. I grabbed a photo out of it. There. A familiar face. My mom's. The cigarette were not puffed. My eyes started to get rather teary. I know, i've seen my mom the last couple of days, but i missed her already. I am just as sensitive. So, my mood swing is back, for the reasons i cannot yet understand. I am infuriated. Mom's photo is in the wallet again. Pulled out another photo - of a person i used to love - then quickly put it in again. I can't bear to see the photo any longer, not for a few more seconds. It tends to hurt a bit.



The phone rang again. My personal phone. A familiar ring tone was heard. It was mom. The first sentence she said was a question. "Son, are you okay?"



Every time she used the word "son", i tend to be speechless. It is because of a word, that i truly understand what it means. It needs no elaborations what so ever, other that the word "love". Yeah, love is always the element in disguise.


"Ma, i am fine". A terribly shaky voice i had to reply with. She knows that i am not. She had to giggle a little, knowing that i was lying. From my childhood, i was a terrible liar. I can't even hide a thing without getting trembled. So i giggled a little, too.



(End of part 1)