Yeah, the first day of Hari Raya Aidilfitri. I got fever since 6 am in the morning, and it really makes me a bit drowsy that morning...got up early, do the necessary preparation for guests, had my breakfast, then eat some meds, just for the sake of Raya. :)
Oh, my mum wore her new outfit we bought for her, and she looked as beautiful than ever.
I don't mind spending a fortune for her. She's my angel, and forever she will be. I love you mum... :) All the muahs for you!!!
So, the morning of Raya went on like past years, well, not since the 3 past years when my dad passed away in Ramadhan 3 years back. Al-Fatihah...
Nothing much in particular happened this Raya. As usual, people come, chat, giggled exchange stories and mostly just catch on with things happening with their lives. As for me, i am always the one that sit in a side watch everything that goes on, while thinking about lots of things. :)
The best part of this Raya was when i got reconnected to some old friends. Yes. Been out of contact for more that 10-17 years back, when some good that came out from the benefits of the internet.
Yes. Raya is the day. For most of us it's the best day of the year, and maybe for their entire lives. Me?
Keeping it the same. As usual.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Raya Aidilfitri 20th October 2009 (Pre)...
Hey guys, it's been a wonderful month of Ramadhan.
Here i am, in my mother's house, experiencing slight fever, but it's okay. :)
A lot of things happened to me during this Ramadhan and yes, it teaches me a lot too, especially this year. :)
I would not say much as for now, though there's so much to say at the moment, because i am feeling feverish... I will update the Raya Aidilfitri 20th October 2009 (Pre) soon enough...
At the moment, Have a great Hari Raya Aidilfitri you guys...! :)
My emotional state : Weary, but happy... MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN. :)
Here i am, in my mother's house, experiencing slight fever, but it's okay. :)
A lot of things happened to me during this Ramadhan and yes, it teaches me a lot too, especially this year. :)
I would not say much as for now, though there's so much to say at the moment, because i am feeling feverish... I will update the Raya Aidilfitri 20th October 2009 (Pre) soon enough...
At the moment, Have a great Hari Raya Aidilfitri you guys...! :)
My emotional state : Weary, but happy... MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN. :)
Friday, August 28, 2009
Why...?
Hello again,
This may be a short one. Seeing by my current state, i am not able to think straight and words seem to play me jokes as awful as it sounds to me.
I had a rough morning today. I kinda don't know why. Maybe i got cobwebs in my mind now. I just can't see things the way i used to. Something or somewhat has blocked my sanity view, these past few days.
Well, it's still is till i decide to write this down. My eyelids are extremely heavy, yet i can't shut it. Here's a thought....WHY?
So, i kept asking myself over and over again until i get scrabbles in my head. Nothing seems to spell right. All i can make out is the word WHY. Gee. Somebody, please yell at me.
So, given this word to think about, and yeah, i spent the whole day thinking of these whys. I started to have thoughts on scientific matters at the beginning, like why are leaves of certain plant colored green because chlorophyll? Why can't it be red, instead? Well, it's not a surprise if i can't answer that question. Go smirk...! So, followed by the question, are some questions about life itself...
I thought about : Why the need for war? Why is there sexual abuse? Why is this? Why is that? Why am i being treated this way? Why can't i have my share of smile? Why is me being so helpless?
Gee, and i thought why suddenly i get these uncertain feeling again such, since the night before (see : earlier post - Thursday, August 27, 2009 - Yet to understand...)
You see, when i tried to understand something, i always put my self into what i am thinking about. Yeah, talk about super-imagination. That has been in me since i was younger. Got worse when i turn 16. It has made me introvert, at some point. Again, this bothers me a lot!
Well, having difficult moments always leaves me with whys. I just don't want to think about it anymore. It always made me end up feeling either really bad, or really anxious or mostly it made me a brute that does not care for anything around me. I got bad reputation because of that. People started to notice me not being myself these past few days. I yell a lot, i get tempered easily, and most probably, i don't talk as much. Why? I don't know? Why i don't know? I don't know why. That is why i hate subjective matters. There's always a why behind all of it. Is it just me? Why, i don't know. I can surely tell that there are some other people sharing the same problem like me. Well, if i do find one, we can talk round the clock.
So, here i go again with the whys. Relationship-wise. Why am i being so caring to those people that seems to hurt me indirectly? I still don't have the smallest of clues, yet. I am not a very caring person, i might say, but when i do get to care and cared for, i can really be the most passionate. I mean, isn't all of us like that? So, to what extend? Why, people can be handsomely generous and lovable when reaching this state.
Why did i treat people nicely? Is it because i wanted to share their joy? Is it because i wanted to care? Is it because i am seen that way? I mean, nice? I am to those who accepted me as i am.
Why is people telling me what they thought i wanted to hear? I need reality, not sympathy. How pathetic can i be? Why?
...and the biggest question for me is, why i still cared for those who hurt me? They know i am sensitive. They tried to understand me, maybe, but are they really trying? As i said before, i don't need sympathy. I am not a beggar. I control my life, God-willing.
Sigh... Sigh... Sigh...
I already puffed quite a number of cigarettes while i was typing this. I feel a bit drowsy already. Maybe i should continue this later. My head is playing scrabbles again.
Gee, God-willing, i need a helping hand here.
My emotional state : Have you seen Robocop gets dismantled...?
This may be a short one. Seeing by my current state, i am not able to think straight and words seem to play me jokes as awful as it sounds to me.
I had a rough morning today. I kinda don't know why. Maybe i got cobwebs in my mind now. I just can't see things the way i used to. Something or somewhat has blocked my sanity view, these past few days.
Well, it's still is till i decide to write this down. My eyelids are extremely heavy, yet i can't shut it. Here's a thought....WHY?
So, i kept asking myself over and over again until i get scrabbles in my head. Nothing seems to spell right. All i can make out is the word WHY. Gee. Somebody, please yell at me.
So, given this word to think about, and yeah, i spent the whole day thinking of these whys. I started to have thoughts on scientific matters at the beginning, like why are leaves of certain plant colored green because chlorophyll? Why can't it be red, instead? Well, it's not a surprise if i can't answer that question. Go smirk...! So, followed by the question, are some questions about life itself...
I thought about : Why the need for war? Why is there sexual abuse? Why is this? Why is that? Why am i being treated this way? Why can't i have my share of smile? Why is me being so helpless?
Gee, and i thought why suddenly i get these uncertain feeling again such, since the night before (see : earlier post - Thursday, August 27, 2009 - Yet to understand...)
You see, when i tried to understand something, i always put my self into what i am thinking about. Yeah, talk about super-imagination. That has been in me since i was younger. Got worse when i turn 16. It has made me introvert, at some point. Again, this bothers me a lot!
Well, having difficult moments always leaves me with whys. I just don't want to think about it anymore. It always made me end up feeling either really bad, or really anxious or mostly it made me a brute that does not care for anything around me. I got bad reputation because of that. People started to notice me not being myself these past few days. I yell a lot, i get tempered easily, and most probably, i don't talk as much. Why? I don't know? Why i don't know? I don't know why. That is why i hate subjective matters. There's always a why behind all of it. Is it just me? Why, i don't know. I can surely tell that there are some other people sharing the same problem like me. Well, if i do find one, we can talk round the clock.
So, here i go again with the whys. Relationship-wise. Why am i being so caring to those people that seems to hurt me indirectly? I still don't have the smallest of clues, yet. I am not a very caring person, i might say, but when i do get to care and cared for, i can really be the most passionate. I mean, isn't all of us like that? So, to what extend? Why, people can be handsomely generous and lovable when reaching this state.
Why did i treat people nicely? Is it because i wanted to share their joy? Is it because i wanted to care? Is it because i am seen that way? I mean, nice? I am to those who accepted me as i am.
Why is people telling me what they thought i wanted to hear? I need reality, not sympathy. How pathetic can i be? Why?
...and the biggest question for me is, why i still cared for those who hurt me? They know i am sensitive. They tried to understand me, maybe, but are they really trying? As i said before, i don't need sympathy. I am not a beggar. I control my life, God-willing.
Sigh... Sigh... Sigh...
I already puffed quite a number of cigarettes while i was typing this. I feel a bit drowsy already. Maybe i should continue this later. My head is playing scrabbles again.
Gee, God-willing, i need a helping hand here.
My emotional state : Have you seen Robocop gets dismantled...?
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