The End of a chapter? Is it?

24 December 2009 - Thursday.



Today is my last day of work. A long get away from work, i guess, yet i feel so reluctant, and i wonder why.


This is a short one. Maybe this is my final post as for 2009, who knows.



Okay. I wont write much for now. Experiencing my moods swing at the moment.




SO...
Here it is. A Happy New Year in advance.

"I Have A Dream"

My all time favorite song.



This is a cover, sung by Westlife.




I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope, with anything
If you see the wonder, of a fairytale
You can take the future, even if you fail
I believe in angels, something good in everything I see
I believe in angels, when I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream, I have a dream



Oh yeah



I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through, reality
And my destitation, makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness, still another mile
I believe in angels, something good in everything I see
I believe in angels, when I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream, I have a dream




I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope, with anything
If you see the wonder, of a fairytale
You can take the future, even if you fail
I believe in angels, something good in everything I see
I believe in angels, when I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream, I have a dream




I'll cross the stream
I have a dream...

Upon confusion.

The title suggests it.

I am a bit confused of what i see and feel of lately. I want something and yet i don't. I don't want something but yet, i feel i need it. Why is this so complicated?

Ah, i am keeping myself reserved as for the moment. I don't have to explain myself as yet. Just keeping it low for a while. Wait. A while? How long? Permanently? Am i able to do that? A total shut off?


Sigh. Let me be.

I wanted it to be the best. Sacrifices along the way is inevitable. I need to be in focus. Even if it means to see a disaster as beauty.



Or, is it?



OH, January 2010 is coming. I can't wait to leave some of my experiences in life behind me. I need to move forward. I am keeping some goodbyes inside, yet to be said.


It kills me. Literally.



My emotional state : ......

Letting Go. Do I Have The Strength?

Today - 17th December 2009, Thursday.


Just a few weeks before the new year, 2010. I was reflecting myself for the past 2 weeks now, as much as i could. Having major flashbacks of the past, whether good or bad experiences through life. Yes, quite intimidating, i might say the least, and as adamant as it may seem, i am willingly letting go of the past. I would really want to start over - Fresh.

Just like a new born baby, regardless of how impossible it might sound. This is just me being me.




Lets discuss about life.
In general, from my point of view, life is made up of different elements. As such, trust. Lets not get this complicated. It has already tangled up my life, so as for others, that, i am very sure of it. As for lately, i have seen and experienced the illness of the absence of trust in mine.


Friends.

What a beautiful word that is. For some, being just friends is not enough. Then came along close friends, best friends, pet friends ; just name it. They came in different assorted packages. Some seems genuine at first, but later, much types of these so called friends will tend to hurt us, and most of them will use THE friends as stepping stones, as slaves, and yes, using friends as for their own self-accomplishments. In other words, USING THEM. Yes, i am being used by many people, i am quite aware of that, but i just swallowed it even though it's like literally putting sharp, edgy needles in your stomach. For me, what matters the most, i can see them smiling. After a while, i got tired of all these.



I came, i saw but yet, i am too soft-hearten to get myself back in the circle. It's inevitable and unpredictable. Let's just say it as a DISAPPOINTMENT.


Sometimes i just wished i never took the liberty. One disappointment after another. When will this infinite cycle stop?

Here i am, trying to be the best for them, but when friends being too self-centered, i guess there is no point to even make a point to them. It will only make matters worst. Oh yes, i learned it the hard way, but being the dumb me, i always let my guard's down. Why? Just because i love my friends. Regardless, now i am making a decision. I have been hurt so much, carried these disappointments along the way, so i decided to end this nonsense. I guess people does enjoy seeing others in agony, i presume at first. At present, cumulatively i see it is so true.


The feeling of experiencing of being used, is not a rare sight for me. Trust me, those people that seemed awfully too friendly is those types that we really need be extra careful with. I won't say names here (yet, i am still protecting them after what they had done to me).


...
...
...
...
...
...



Sigh...


...
...
...
...
...
...
...



Some people said i have been looking rather sick and lost weight in less than 2 weeks. They even asked whether if i took pills or things like that to tone down. No, i did not. Yes. I feel the slight change as well, but if they knew what's causing it, they would probably start to at least understand a portion of what i am feeling at the moment. It's a major let down. But, i'm just keeping my problems to myself. I don't need to be sympathetic to gain sympathy. I just hate that. I am rather weak at the moment, but i am not losing my sanity.


Oh, i can go on, forever!


Let me put it this way. I am currently ending most of my relationships with people around me. There is no more quality in them, so i would like to have them disappear from my life. This is not a homicidal threats. I am speaking figuratively.


What started beautifully, should end the same. Not with me. For me, if it's done, it's done. How would i do it? I will start to have them annoyed. Yes, when the hate is there, it's less painful for me to finally be gone. But trust me, ending it is not as easy as it may sound. Both parties will get hurt, emotionally, but for what mattered most, it will be the end of the suffering. If it's for the best, then i am willing to opt on this way.


For me, there is a simple way to see things. Yes or No. Like or dislike. Love or hate. It's so simple, yet we humans tend to complicate things. I wonder why.




My hope, for those reading this, if i made the wrong decision, please let me know.
If you start to feel irritated by my actions, i am sorry. I would want to end the relationship. A note for all. I seriously grew weary of these dirt in each and every kind of relationship. It WILL hurt you, but i guess i am carrying the heavier load here. Do as you please. I hope when it's over, it's over.


I am just sad.









My emotional state : I had to do this. I am sorry.

Dis Amused by amusement

Dis Amused by amusement

Hello there. I need to write and share this particular post, so that in the future, i won't need to say it all over again.



Okay. Read this.


"Hai awak. Kenapa awak tak approve saya.dah lama saya add awak. awak taknak be friend ngan kita ke?Kita always suka ngan awak.add la kita awak"


Translated as...


"Hey you. Why haven't you approved my request. I added you a long time ago. Don't you want to be friends with me? I have always liked you. Add me, please"





So, okay. First of all. I don't judge.
Secondly, i just find it irritating. Just look at the broken Bahasa Malaysia/Bahasa Melayu.


Why irritating?
Huh? How do i even spell this out. Turns out to be, this person is a guy. Yes. His profile picture seems to show the obvious. His name on the screen suggested that he isn't. I wasn't born yesterday, for crying out loud.

The next thing that irritates me was his texts. Why did he even bother asking when i did not responded to his request? Gee, just read between the lines already, will you?


This is what i called as "Gedik". Yes. I have often see and experienced this almost everyday. For me, if people jokingly does that, i wouldn't mind so much. Just when things goes over the line, then i would feel a bit irritated. Some people does that to me in real life, and the next thing they will know, i already had them thrown away from my life. They will soon realized it the hard way, but it's the only possible way for me.

I already have problems and i seriously don't want to have more. :)

The end : The New Beginning. Perhaps.

Holla. Yes, i am back. After a while, huh? :) I guess majority of the readers/viewers could guess why. :)




I have lost my touch to write. Why? That is not the question here. I have being doing some thinking about changing my page to share my happiness rather than just expressing my angst. Well, it's way better than actually beating up somebody to a pulp, right? Ahahaha. Don't be scared, now. I don't feast on human. At least don't make me. :)


Evidently so, speaking in general, i somehow tried to write about the facts of life, that seemed cruel and yet beautiful ; clinging onto the same boat. When things are beautiful, people treasured and kept it safe. When something awful happened, people will start to point indexes ; blaming others. When will people start to blame themselves, learn to accept defeat and take responsibilities upon their selfish acts? Phew. I'd stopped sighing now.







On the brighter side.


Oh, today was a great day (minus all those problems at work). A dear friend celebrated her 25th birthday. I didn't know about it until a fellow dear friend actually called me while i was entering the office (or practically screamed at me... Giggles). "Syam, today is Sal's birthday", she said.
And there i was, thinking of doing something for her, yet my hands are tied at that moment. So i just said "Just you wait, Sal...! Oh, we are so going to bomb you..!", i jokingly said with moderate tone. Maybe Sal thought i was yelling at her. Ahahaha...! Sal was blushing like a cute kitten. Smirk.



So, i rounded up most of these people in my division excluding her, to come up with something. Sal had worked hard (like others), and by my opinion, she deserved to be treated with something nice from all of us. I mean, i used my own money to throw a mini party for Faeez, so i think it's her turn to be celebrated, though i am not a celebrating-type person. I just like seeing happy faces, and somehow deep inside i cried of joy. Oh, no. I won't get myself weep in public. That would be like figuratively stabbing my thighs with barbecue knives! :))


So, we decided to let two of the girls purchase a cake and some other stuff for the occasion. (Secret Recipe! Yummy...! Oops, got carried away. Pardon me.)


They bought this Chocolate Indulgence for her, mind me if i had the name mistaken. Not good at remembering things that happened recently. STML for short. :) Why am i smiling??? Ahahaha!



They bought some twisties as well, and there i was, deciding whether to or not to munch over those irresistible snacks. Hahaha. They also got a present for her, which is a nice shiny brooch. I never fancy brooches before but this one got my attention. Yes, it was beautiful. Nice taste, ladies. :)



There we were. Singing a Birthday song for Sal. Oh, and while everyone is busy and impatiently waited for her to arrive, no one has lighted the candles! So embarrassing! HAHAHAHAHA! We actually sang her the song without having lit those candles! OMG! AHAHAHAHA! Okay, so now they are lucky to have a smoker around. Yes, that's me. The only smoker around at that time. Faeez was no where to be found. :)) He was supposed to lit those...! Ahahaha! Ehem, my fault as well, because i forgot to ask him to do me a favor. :) What? I am busy, remember??? Hehe.



She had her wish. Read her beautiful Birthday card we bought for her. And it's the first time i saw her smiling all the time. :) What a beautiful scene it was.



So, in a nutshell, we had some laughs for a brief moment. It really soothes my heart witnessing the caress and love shared by people that is not blood-related, and yet share what they have and frankly speaking, i was made happy. Thank you for sharing, guys. You know i love each and every single one of you, even though i may screamed and yelled. Ahahhaa...That's just me. A crazy bear. :)



Oh, a priceless moment. Kept it. Locked.

I will later on add some pictures here. :)






Anyway...



At the moment, i am trying very hard to revert myself. The self that i used to be. The one that people say as care-less. Yes, i was once an awful lad - so they said. I beg to differ. As long as i can remember being myself is what i truly believe, the only reasonable thing that will make me happy.

I remembered that once, i lead a worry-free life. Yes, problems seem lurking here and there, but i overcome them quite easily. No bragging here because i always find a way to deal with those problem with ease with no help from others but myself. Well, that was figuratively ages ago. Giggles.



2008. Yes. The year that i decided to be more aware and sensitive towards people. That was the year i started to think heavily about myself and my surroundings. Oh yes. When people said i am a late-bloomer, they are not mistaken. I admit. I can shine like everyone else. What is the difference anyway? I will eventually get there, so there is no reason what so ever to accumulate what i have or what i am compared to you (people). Life is just. Oh, just let them be.



Particularly, i am not self-centered. I may look that way. It's just that i behave in a way that most people see as rude and yeah, brute. Hey, lookie. I can't even remember my own birthday for crying out loud. Ahahaha! So what's with this gesture of seeing me as being cold and self-centered, anyway? Come on... Giggles. As brute as i may look at certain times, i am not cruel. I know and i learned on terms.

Oh, getting this off the chest wasn't easy. This is just a pebble in the sea of what i wanted to say. At least for now, i won't go to the sensitive part (as yet). I am just trying to have a decent rest tonight, and i hope i won't get fused with my sensitive side for the moment. :) I am thinking heavily at the moment.


This is it for now. Have a wonderful evening to all. :) I'll drop a post again soon enough. :)








My emotional state : Oohhh...My leg is still swelling, but i am just smiling over it.

Keliru...

Just wanna share a song that i find it really mean something to me.

Aizat - Fikirlah

Benarkah salahku, lepaskan kamu
Kau duga egoku, fahami diriku begini
Tiada yang sama
Yang pasti kita semua bebeza
Kau fikirlah

Chorus
Tiada guna cipta sebuah cerita
Kalau kisah kita sementara
Rasa hati dan langkahmu
Membuat aku keliru

Tiada guna kita menderita
Sungguh semua tidur pun tak lena
Rasa hati dan katamu
Tak lagi seperti dulu

Kita pernah satu, aku dan kamu
Dulu itu dulu, masih di dalam ingatanku
Kini berbeza
Namun masih ku harap kau bersedia
Oo mungkinkah, kau temu bahagia

Lepaskan semua mimpimu
Tangis dan juga sayumu
Kau fikirlah

Tiada guna cipta sebuah cerita
Kalau kisah kita sementara
Rasa hati dan langkahmu
Membuat ku keliru

Tiada guna kita menderita,
Sungguh semua tidur pun tak lena,
Rasa hati dan katamu
Tak lagi seperti dulu

Sungguh semua tidur pun tak lena
Rasa hati dan katamu
Tak lagi seperti dulu

Aku keliru
Aku keliru

The web has spun.

Hey there.


It's near a month without any entry from me. Yes. Same reason all over again.


This may be a short entry. I just need to write, i guess.



Sighing now, as i just don't know what is happening around me nowadays. It has been sickening and tiring past few weeks for me. Things happened the way it did, so I'll just keep on going and going, i guess.



Work wise ; very tiring.
We have some major projects going on, and the rest of piling things that needs to be tended to seems to be adding up in numbers. I will try my best to hold on to them and have them finished, god willing.


Brain wise ; very active.
I am kinda stressed with the way i think of things lately. It made me spell words when i never used any of it in my life, as i started to think differently. Yes, i am playing scrabbles in my head. I started to do fusions of related and unrelated things in my life and mixed it up and somehow ideas keep on coming. This has made me stressed out because i don't even know my own expressions when i write those sentences. I had my share of laugh when most people would say that i was in a bad shape. Maybe i was, but generally speaking, i am not. Some friends even said that i am changing again.

"In what form?" i asked.

No answers given. They just said i changed. I d0n't feel any different from who and what i used to be. Maybe i was the person 2 years back? The person who don't talked much, and kept everything inside? Perhaps.


Me wise ; Not much to say here, but old friends said hellos, new friends said goodbyes, and it's just part of life, as i always tried to tell myself to be positive. Relationship wise. Yeah. I met a friend whom shared a thought, but i never tell him of what, who, when, why or how. I just spoke generally and we came to agree that of one thing. We spoke about relationships. I would not write much here, though.



So, that's BASICALLY it.
I was thinking of 4 different things in my mind when writing this, so i could not concentrate as hard as i could, and missing someone is making it harder for me.


So, this is it for now. Need my rest.

Raya Aidilfitri 20th October 2009 (Update)

Yeah, the first day of Hari Raya Aidilfitri. I got fever since 6 am in the morning, and it really makes me a bit drowsy that morning...got up early, do the necessary preparation for guests, had my breakfast, then eat some meds, just for the sake of Raya. :)


Oh, my mum wore her new outfit we bought for her, and she looked as beautiful than ever.
I don't mind spending a fortune for her. She's my angel, and forever she will be. I love you mum... :) All the muahs for you!!!

So, the morning of Raya went on like past years, well, not since the 3 past years when my dad passed away in Ramadhan 3 years back. Al-Fatihah...


Nothing much in particular happened this Raya. As usual, people come, chat, giggled exchange stories and mostly just catch on with things happening with their lives. As for me, i am always the one that sit in a side watch everything that goes on, while thinking about lots of things. :)

The best part of this Raya was when i got reconnected to some old friends. Yes. Been out of contact for more that 10-17 years back, when some good that came out from the benefits of the internet.

Yes. Raya is the day. For most of us it's the best day of the year, and maybe for their entire lives. Me?

Keeping it the same. As usual.

Raya Aidilfitri 20th October 2009 (Pre)...

Hey guys, it's been a wonderful month of Ramadhan.

Here i am, in my mother's house, experiencing slight fever, but it's okay. :)


A lot of things happened to me during this Ramadhan and yes, it teaches me a lot too, especially this year. :)

I would not say much as for now, though there's so much to say at the moment, because i am feeling feverish... I will update the Raya Aidilfitri 20th October 2009 (Pre) soon enough...

At the moment, Have a great Hari Raya Aidilfitri you guys...! :)







My emotional state : Weary, but happy... MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN. :)

Why...?

Hello again,


This may be a short one. Seeing by my current state, i am not able to think straight and words seem to play me jokes as awful as it sounds to me.

I had a rough morning today. I kinda don't know why. Maybe i got cobwebs in my mind now. I just can't see things the way i used to. Something or somewhat has blocked my sanity view, these past few days.

Well, it's still is till i decide to write this down. My eyelids are extremely heavy, yet i can't shut it. Here's a thought....WHY?

So, i kept asking myself over and over again until i get scrabbles in my head. Nothing seems to spell right. All i can make out is the word WHY. Gee. Somebody, please yell at me.



So, given this word to think about, and yeah, i spent the whole day thinking of these whys. I started to have thoughts on scientific matters at the beginning, like why are leaves of certain plant colored green because chlorophyll? Why can't it be red, instead? Well, it's not a surprise if i can't answer that question. Go smirk...! So, followed by the question, are some questions about life itself...


I thought about : Why the need for war? Why is there sexual abuse? Why is this? Why is that? Why am i being treated this way? Why can't i have my share of smile? Why is me being so helpless?

Gee, and i thought why suddenly i get these uncertain feeling again such, since the night before (see : earlier post - Thursday, August 27, 2009 - Yet to understand...)

You see, when i tried to understand something, i always put my self into what i am thinking about. Yeah, talk about super-imagination. That has been in me since i was younger. Got worse when i turn 16. It has made me introvert, at some point. Again, this bothers me a lot!



Well, having difficult moments always leaves me with whys. I just don't want to think about it anymore. It always made me end up feeling either really bad, or really anxious or mostly it made me a brute that does not care for anything around me. I got bad reputation because of that. People started to notice me not being myself these past few days. I yell a lot, i get tempered easily, and most probably, i don't talk as much. Why? I don't know? Why i don't know? I don't know why. That is why i hate subjective matters. There's always a why behind all of it. Is it just me? Why, i don't know. I can surely tell that there are some other people sharing the same problem like me. Well, if i do find one, we can talk round the clock.



So, here i go again with the whys. Relationship-wise. Why am i being so caring to those people that seems to hurt me indirectly? I still don't have the smallest of clues, yet. I am not a very caring person, i might say, but when i do get to care and cared for, i can really be the most passionate. I mean, isn't all of us like that? So, to what extend? Why, people can be handsomely generous and lovable when reaching this state.

Why did i treat people nicely? Is it because i wanted to share their joy? Is it because i wanted to care? Is it because i am seen that way? I mean, nice? I am to those who accepted me as i am.

Why is people telling me what they thought i wanted to hear? I need reality, not sympathy. How pathetic can i be? Why?


...and the biggest question for me is, why i still cared for those who hurt me? They know i am sensitive. They tried to understand me, maybe, but are they really trying? As i said before, i don't need sympathy. I am not a beggar. I control my life, God-willing.



Sigh... Sigh... Sigh...




I already puffed quite a number of cigarettes while i was typing this. I feel a bit drowsy already. Maybe i should continue this later. My head is playing scrabbles again.




Gee, God-willing, i need a helping hand here.









My emotional state : Have you seen Robocop gets dismantled...?

Yet to understand...

Hey there,

It has been a week of Ramadhan. A blessed month. Should be,huh?

Yes, i have been busy with life again. Not much to share, only these feelings i have for the past weeks. I just couldn't understand one simple word. LOVE.

What is that? Well according to wikipedia, i quote for short :



"Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection^[1] and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure ("I loved that meal") to intense interpersonal attraction ("I love my boyfriend"). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

As an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual emotional closeness of familial and platonic love^[2] to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love.^[3] Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts."

So, okay. I get the general idea of the word. Yes, the definitions seem too familliar for us humans. Everybody will come up with the same answer ; which by my interpretation, it is a typical word. Mind me. I came across few number of friends whom did have problems in maintaining love. I often asked them about what happened, why things happened that way, and such. I guess there will be no answers to that, as i noticed, every loving couple had issues to deal with.

Me? Of course i have the same problem. My problem is that i get emotionally confused with gestures. Yes, people seem nice. People seem caring...and i suppose being in that state is considered love too, ain't it? But sometimes what we saw is not what we saw. Well, at least, what i saw.

So it means, love have values, but what is the method to of accurately calculate and differentiate between much types of unconditionally love? I guess probably, there isn't a way. We ourselves need to deter how things in love works and thus value it.

Hey, it's just me saying things out loud. I may be wrong, but my experience don't teach me lies. I tend to be very careful and yes, being that allows me to develop a keen sense of being not too trusty towards people. I consider it as my own personal defense system. I got breached, taken over and finally left corrupted. I sometimes hate it when that happens.

Yes, being me, a person that is so easy to feel attached to somebody else, seriously have effects on me. I get rather sensitive for all that matter. I guess i can call it as EMOTION BOOSTER. Well, mostly it gets to my bad side. So, when things get cranky, i get emotional. Talk about frequent mood swings, huh?

So, i guess for now, i will have no use for love except the love to myself and family, perhaps. Until the day comes, i'd be me.

I'll stop here for the moment. Need to catch some air.

My emotional state : Mixed up. Haywire.

Kemarahan yang bertukar menjadi tawa.

Okay lah...satu je nak diceritakan disini...Aku taktau lah nak kata benda ni kelakar di mata orang lain, tapi perkara yang membesarkan kemaluan (tahap malu, okay...?!) aku ni. Jadi perkara ini agak kelakar pada aku. Cuma nak kongsi je. Mana tahu, boleh dibuat pengajaran ke. Untung badan, boleh je jadikan ia sebagai satu subjek teras di sekolah-sekolah menengah kebangsaan di Malaysia ini. Maaflah jika bahasa yang aku pakai ni tidaklah seformal mana. Cukup sekadar di pinggiran je.




Disini aku ingin menceritakan secara mukadimah yang agak panjang sedikit. Saja nak tengok, kalau-kalau ada yang meleleh air liur kat depan komputer tu. Untuk mengelakkan sebarang spekulasi dan tohmahan-tohmahan selamba ungka dari teman-teman aku yang lain, aku telah menamakan individu-individu dalam post aku kali ni sebagai huruf sahaja. Maklum sahaja lah dengan sebab-sebab munasabah aku ini.



Pada hari kejadian, aku telah bertemu dengan seorang teman di PWTC, Kuala Lumpur. Dia datang dari Pantai Timur, atas urusan peribadi yang tidak perlu aku ceritakan disini, abang N. Aku pergi menemui abang N, yang pada masa itu seorang kawan aku yang lain kebetulan mahu ke Shah Alam atas tujuan peribadinya, Si A...

A telah menghantar aku ke lokasi sepatutnya aku dan abang N bertemu itu. Setelah mengucapkan terima kasih dan segala benda lain yang sepatutnya aku berkasih dengan A, kami pun menuju ke arah tujuan masing-masing.
Aku pergi menemui teman dari jauh tersebut, manakala A terus ke Shah Alam.

Aku ketemui abang N pada sekitar jam sekitar 6.15 petang Ahad tersebut. Kami berborak mengenai pelbagai benda ; dari perkara yang paling tidak serius kepada perkara paling serius, yang diselangi dengan gelak tawa yang hampir mengilai dari aku kerana teman aku, abang N adalah seorang yang sangat melucukan...Ada sahaja ayat-ayat aku dipatahkan olehnya. Mesti ada sahaja yang silap, walaupun ayat-ayat yang dikemutkan oleh mulut aku ini sudah betul tatacara penggunaannya. Memang menguji kecekalan hati betul, si Abang N itu. Hahaha...Tapi dia memang betul-betul baik.



Aku dan abang N telah bertukar menjadi kaum Nomad kerana telah berpindah randah dari satu tempat duduk ke lokasi lain. Mungkin kerana perangai aku yang cukup senang rimas dengan orang-orang dan keadaan bising disekeliling...Cuba bayangkan, masa kami duduk di satu kedai kopi itu, dikiri ku tiada racun, dikanan ku tiada madu. Kosong je, jadi boleh lah kami berborak sesuka hati dengan sesedap rasa tanpa segan silu dan tanpa tapisan mana-mana lembaga...Tetiba je ada datang satu kumpulan seramai 3 orang (remaja) yang berusia awal 20an duduk di meja sebelah kiri. 2 lelaki dan 1 perempuan. Yang 2 lelaki tu ok je lah, tak pulak nak tumpang dengar perbualan kami...Yang si perempuan itu, sangat menjengkelkan aku...Siap sahaja aku menghabiskan satu patah perkataan, dia tengok aku. Habis je aku mengilai, dia tengok aku. Sampai aku nak bakar rokok kat muncung aku tu pun, dia tengok...kalau setakat tengok tu, takpe lah...ini siap buat muka macam cuka tiruan yang dah tamat tarikh luput...tak ke rosak pemandangan yang dah sememangnya tak berapa nak cantik kat situ..hehehee...


Aduh...!Apa masalah minah ni..? Aku terfikir. Ada aku kutuk dia atau sahabat handai dia ke...? Nak kata aku ni muka perogol bersiri pun, bukan. Sebab aku rasa aku tak cukup ganas nak jadi orang yang bersiri-siri ni...Nak kata aku ni artis yang terlampau Diva pun tak...Underwear model? Sangat tidak diluluskan...Lagi lah tak masuk akal kalau dia ingat bulu mata aku melentik macam udang kena goreng....Abis u, tenung macam tu kenapa?

Aku rasa, dia baru lepas kena berak burung la...dah tu je yang aku boleh terfikir, sebab masa tu aku dah separuh kurang waras melayan abang N. Air mata aku dah berbaldi-baldi bertakung. Siap ada ikan emas berenang lagi dalam tu.

Terasa begitu menghampehkan betul bila berada dekat dengan orang yang suka jaga tepi kain orang lain ni... Sangat pengangsalawar! Ya! Sangat bertepatan.

Tapi tak kisahlah kan...aku bukan nak cerita panjang lebar pasal dia...buat penat je aku nak menaip ni.Ahahahaaa..




Jadi, dipendekkan cerita, pada hari yang menarik tu, abang N belanja aku dari saat aku pijak je jubin lantai PWTC, sampai lah ke saat dia nak balik semula ke Pantai Timur. I was very the segan... Hahahaha!!! Ye lah, ada ke patut dia, sebagai tetamu aku, dia pulak yang belanja aku...tapi tak kisah lah kan...Dia insisted. Siap berebut bill note lagi! Lain kali aku akan belanja dia sampai dia merayu kat aku supaya jangan order apa-apa lagi dah...hehehehe!!!

So, perpisahan sementara pada masa itu betul-betul buat aku rasa hampeh. Sebab aku dah sebulan tak dapat rasa gembira dan gelak tawa macam tu... Terima kasih abang N.... :)

Kami pun menghala ke arah tujuan masing-masing selepas itu, dan aku pula menunggu kawan aku si A itu untuk datang, pulang ke Kuala Lumpur dari Shah Alam di tempat yang sama dia turunkan aku petang tadi. Ada bersama A ialah dua lagi adik-adik kandungnya. A sampai tidak lama kemudian setelah aku dan abang N berpisah arah tuju.



Kebetulan pada waktu itu, A rasa dirinya tidak berapa sihat untuk memandu, jadi aku lah manusia yang boleh menggantikan tempat sebagai pemandu bertauliah itu. Wah~~~~~~ heheehee!!!


Jadi, baiklah. Aku pun memandu kereta A dengan penuh berbudi bahasa dan sangat berhemah sekali...Bermula dari PWTC aku memandu kereta itu dengan lancar walaupun kenderaan lain sangat banyak diatas jalan...Sambil itu aku pun berborak-borak dengan A dan adik-adiknya untuk menghilangkan mengantuk kerana aku sudah berada si luar rumah sehari suntuk. Keadaan aku pada masa itu adalah seperti Ultraman Tiga yang sedang kehabisan tenaga dan LED di dada aku telah pun berkelip-kelip warna kemerahan...Tandanya bateri nak kena cas la...

Jadi pandu punya pandu, kami telah pun memasuki jalan di Setapak, iaitu antara jalan yang sangat sibuk di Ibu kota ini.

Oh, biasanya aku akan memandu kereta Proton Saga BML aku. Saga ni mcm Proton-Proton lain gak...Semuanya reversed indicator. Maknanya, secara kebiasaannya, kereta-kereta lain, kalau hendak memberi isyarat arah, tombolnya (tombol kerw?) berada di belah kanan manakala tombol (tombol kerw?)pengelap cermin (wiper) berada di sebelah kiri...


Nak dijadikan cerita, semasa sedang meluncur dengan kelajuan yang sangat minima, ada satu kereta (tak ingat lah pulak kereta apa...) dari simpang sebelah kiri, tetiba sahaja keluar tanpa rasa segan silu dan penuh bermaruah! Apa lagi, aku kebetulan sedang agak hampir ke alam ketiduran tetiba sahaja menjadi sangat marah, lalu aku ingin 'menembak' mata si pemandu yang agaknya sedang mabuk bercinta dalam kereta dia tu dengan high beam kereta yang aku sedang pandu dengan penuh bangga itu.

Aku jerit : "Setan kau! punyalah P**im**, har** ja**h (dan saudara mara perkataan itu)!!! Jaga kau!!! Aku 'tembak' kau!!!"

Terkebil-kebil bebudak yang duduk di kerusi penumpang di belakang...aku pun satu hal jugak...sengal batu! Tak teringat pulak bebudak tu ada kat belakang...sian telinga mereka sebab terdengar aku mengucapkan perkataan yang berunsur umpat, keji dan fitnah. Hish...!

Jadi, tanpa membuang masa yang umpama emas yang tak pernah membuat aku sangat kaya itu, aku pun menjerit 'Ambik kau!!!' tanpa rasa berasa malu, dimana sebenarnya aku yang ditembak!!!

Aku sendiri pun terkejut sampai hampir hilang kawalan kewarasan diri apabila aku sendiri yang 'menembak' muka aku dengan air! Lah, rupa-rupanya aku tertarik tombol yang salah...aduh malunya diri ini...aduhai...siap wiper tolong lap lagi cermin kereta yang aku sedang pandu itu...

Bebudak kat belakang tu, dari perasaan ingin mencampakkan aku keluar melalui tingkap itu tadi, terus gelak segila 'Ba Alif Ba Ya'. A pun tumpang sekaki. Adeh...apalah nasib aku...!

Terus je aku jerit 'Shut up!" kat bebudak tu. Padahal bukan marah sangat pun. Aku sendiri rasa nak baling diri aku keluar dari tingkap kereta A tu. Ahahhaaaa!!! Besar kemaluanku...



Itulah yang terjadi pada aku pada malam Ahad tersebut...adeh...walaubagaimanapun, aku bersyukur dapat meluangkan masa dengan abang N dan A pada hari tersebut. Kalau tidak, memang aku dah meroyan kat rumah aku tu...hehehehee....



Sekian untuk kali ini...renung-renungkan dan jangan terlebih beramah...hehehehee!









Moral : Check dulu signal indicator tu kat sebelah mana...

The NightFire : Beginning

Hey there...Hehehehe...From time to time, i get awfully bored with no idea what to do at the moment...so i used the time to experiment on something ; on my picture collections (and some from friends') Hehehee...So i have created a few superhero. Just for fun. Maybe one day, i'll produce the comic? Who knows, eh? Hehehehe...Well, scroll down, yes? ;)







Teaser


















Synopsis = A group of young adults have been given the gift - extraordinary powers. Each of them has unique and distinctive ability that makes them feared by common criminals and evil plotters alike.

Lead by the emotionally fused NightFire, together with his trusty sidekick - The Diffuser, these few young lads dedicated their lives protecting the weak, unaware of the dangers they put their lives into.

A Malaysian own supergroup.







Profile - "The NightFire"
















Name : Dr. Syam aka NightFire

Ability : Telekinetic, Seer and Pyromancer (Able to create heat - generating sparks - converting them into flames)

Height : 173cm

Weight : 90kg

Berserk Mode : PYROMANIAC

Daily life : Dr. Syam aka NightFire is a self-employed Bio-tech engineer. He often creates gadgets and supplements chips for the needy. A tempered person but always put people before himself.





Profile - "The Diffuser"



















Name : Jafri aka Diffuser

Ability : Extra-agility, Unlimited supply of power, and lightning-knuckle (Able to create volts - generating sparks - converting them into electric shocks)


Height : 180cm

Weight : 56kg

Berserk Mode : ELECTROSHOTS

Daily life : Jafri owns a martial arts school, teaching rather unique style that is only for those with abilities like him. His technique requires high-speed movements that if a normal person used it, it could lead to dysfunction of the internal organs. The style is highly fatal.






Profile - "The WildNight"
















Name : Liza aka WildNight

Ability : Extra-agility and Sixth sense (Able to accurately predict near sudden changes in the surrounding, making her the seeker in the group)

Height : 167cm

Weight : 50kg

Berserk Mode : SPIRAL-DANCE

Daily life : Liza was just a normal person until she was 20 years old - works in a flower shop she owned with her best friend. She developed her unique skills, which was passed down by her grandmother, whom she never knew. Liza also never knew that her skills originated from the same root as The Diffuser until she enrolled in Jafri's Martial Arts School, but she never used the forbidden style as it can be deadly to her, until she unblocks certain points in her body, giving her the same unique ability such as The Diffuser.






Profile - "The Mega-Thorn"
















Name : Bobby aka Mega-Thorn

Ability : Thorns and Shockwave (Using high frequency waves to disrupt or manipulate anything that is electronic)

Height : 170cm

Weight : 87kg

Berserk Mode : THORN-WAVE

Daily life : Bobby is ever-happy guy that is employed as a Chief-adviser for a multi-million Ringgit IT company. He has always been keen with technology and is a great hacker. A very outspoken guy.



Profile - "Source"

















Name : Johan aka Source

Ability : Share the same ability as NightFire but his telekinetic ability is weaker than NightFire's - Telekinetic, Seer and Blue-Pyromancer (Able to create heat - generating sparks - converting them into flames)

Height : 180cm

Weight : 69kg

Berserk Mode : FIERY-DISRUPT

Daily life : (Unknown)


Profile - "Fiesta"


















Name : Ina aka Fiesta

Ability : A young and very energetic woman. Have Carbon Copy ability. She can duplicate as many copies as she wants but the more copies she produced, the more energy she will use.

She got the "Health-supplement" chip from Dr. Hisyam, whom she never knew that he is actually Nightfire.

Height : 163cm

Weight : 60kg

Berserk Mode : FIESTA-BLOOM

Daily life : Works as a designer in Kuala Lumpur.

A broken heart...

Dear viewers/readers,


Again, life has caught me in its cruel yet wonderful ways of teaching...I am so gasping for air at the moment. Relationships sure are hard to handle. I guess i am not ready yet, as i constantly thought i have. Well, life goes on for me, even though i might tremble at any given moment, but it's okay. I often tell myself, that i have yet to find what's stored for me. At least not all. :)



Yes, break ups seems cliche for me at the moment. All i have to do is to smile, though my smile seems bitter and for what matters the most, i have people to look up to - people that never get tired of offering me their shoulder. Yeah, the fact that i looked sturdy, but like someone i once knew said to me, that me being a grown up man but it doesn't mean i won't break.

Yeah. I did break. So, i proved him right. Period.





So, my relationship's over, i guess. I admit, the relationship is something i treasured, but i will put it aside, for the sake of maintaining my sane. Gee, help me with this.



Maybe it's my fault for being too careful in terms of me being me. There's only some people who would understand me as i am, but i will not mention them here. I mean, people always see me as a fun and happy-go-lucky person, which is only a sum of 20% of me. So when they saw me in another state of emotions, they tend to despise and somehow think that i have gone berserk. It's not that...! Gosh! Please use your brain. Eyes can be very deceiving! Yeah, as deceitful as iblis.

Being me, the introverted guy, i always analyze what i see. I won't say something i am not sure about, because i dislike uncertainties. You won't get straight answers from me, at most times. I would want people to think as much as i do. Just that.





...and now that i am alone again, i guess i will have to calm the storm, and i am not sure how - but i'll manage. Thanks to certain people for helping me through my bitter journey. You know how much i appreciate you. A friend like them is something i could not replace. Well, here is my rank of relationship.


1st : Family
2nd: Certain Friends
3rd : Special Person


Yes, i have always put it that way. Can't stand it? Then, it's not my problem.








Anyway, as i am feeling a bit heartbroken now, i dedicated this song to the person. It's what i felt now.

Ungu – Cinta Dalam Hati

Mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku
Mengagumi tanpa di cintai
Tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia
dengan hidupmu, dengan hidupmu

Telah lama kupendam perasaan itu
Menunggu hatimu menyambut diriku
Tak mengapa bagiku cintaimu pun adalah
bahagia untukku, bahagia untukku

Ku ingin kau tahu diriku di sini menanti dirimu
Meski ku tunggu hingga ujung waktuku
dan berharap rasa ini kan abadi untuk selamanya
dan izinkan aku memeluk dirimu kali ini saja
tuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya
dan biarkan rasa ini bahagia untuk sekejap saja

My emotional state : .........................................

It's only you...

Hey there, viewers / readers.

I'm not into writing much these days, as i am still preoccupied with some major changes in the phase of my life and my surroundings have changed quite a bit as well. I've gained some good experience and some was rather bad, but hey, that's just life.


I am really trying so hard to adapt, but i guess eventually, i will. :)
...and maybe it's time i learn to let go of something i dearly hold on to. It's just a SIMPLE MAYBE perhaps. Possibilities lies at every corner, right?


Not a sigh of relief nor disappointment, but it's just a common sigh in between.

For what matters now, i would like to share something i wrote.

It's only you...

Dear loved,

I just want you to know

that i have been loving you

with all sincerety and with all my heart.

You have made me smile,

when no one was able to.

You have made me happy,

when i was in despair, alone,

and in need.

I am

forever yours to keep.

I will be strong for you,

and i will be stronger

for each and every given second,

though i might stumble,

but i will get up

because of you.

Thank you, loved.

I love you very much.

With all my heart.

My emotional state : .........................................

Dear viewers/readers,


It has been a while since i posted an entry. It was unspeakably and tiring past few months for me, due to many forms of task and journeys i had to make, if i may say. :)

I can't write when my mind's not set, when it's jammed, when I'm not prepared and mostly when i was driven by emotions. When that happens, i get cranky and people will hate me. :))

However, for the time being, i just want to share this lyrics from a song. It's the closest to what i am feeling for the past months.





THE ROSE (Bette Midler)


Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed


Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you its only seed


It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live


When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose




This song was sung by Westlife, and it is beautiful.







My emotional state : I miss you so...

Sengal Kambing...!!!

Aduh...

I baru je baca satu e-mail dari seorang mamat yang rasa dirinya semacam bagus je...Ada ke patut dia compare my photo artworks dengan dia punya. Punyalah bagus attitude tu. Claims himself as the better photographer (which i think not!)... Who does he think he is? Dalam email tu yang supposed to be annonymous tu (which i think he's buta IT jugaklah sebab i can trace the IP, jackass...!), dia takdelah kata work aku tu tak best or macam tu...But what kills the cat was, dia siap upload sekali photo yang dia shoot. I mean, what the fork(and spoon)?!!

Kenapa lah, jika ia pun nak comment, jangan la pulak nak compare between photos...Dah ternyata i punya lagi best, tapi tak sedar-sedar dari mimpi ngeri rupanya makhluk asing ni, where ever he may came from. Agaknya, what he needs is a good smack in the head plus a few hundred slaps on the face. Tak sedar diri lagi?! Sepak kat SITU sampai senak...dan senak tu pulak dapat dirasai oleh 7 keturunan makhluk asing itu.Itu pun, kalau dia mampu nak cari pasangan hidup lah... >:)

Aduh...Bukan sebab i sakit hati. Aduh sebab ada juga manusia macam makhluk asing ini, yang tidak mempunyai otak atau akal yang mampu memberikan input rasional kepada pemikirannya. Is he the best, anyway?! Ya, ampun! It's a No with capital N...! I rasa lah kan, dear readers/viewers, among those professional photographers i personally know, kualiti gambar makhluk asing ni tak sampai 20% kualiti pro pun... So why the heck is he mumbling about being a pro, anyway? What a pain in the rear! Hahaha...Puas hati ke dapat menjatuhkan orang lain, makhluk asing oh, makhluk asing oi...

Kalau dah pro sangat, patutnya dia ajar orang. Not boast like a grumpy pig. I rasa lah kan, sesiapa yang tetiba hilang akal nak menuntut dengan dia yang SANGAT HEBAT ini, tak sampai 6 minit akan terjun bangunan. Tak tahan, beb kalau jumpa makhluk asing yang tak pernah cuba nak lihat cermin seperti dia itu...Cermin pun retak kot? Entahlah...Mungkin itu memang dia, kan?

I pun tak kenal dia ni asal dari longkang mana.

I don't know and i don't care.

Who am i to judge right?

Apa lah punya manusia...Ikut hati, nak je publish nama dia kat sini...Biar dia tahu tinggi mana langit tu. Sengal kambing!!!Apa lah nak jadi dengan dunia sekarang ni...Ikan besar makan ikan yang kecil..Padan lah dunia ni asyik tak aman, perang sana, perang sini. Anyway, i tak amik peduli tentang orang-orang macam dia ni.

Tak layak digelar manusia pun.

My emotional state : What a waste of talent...

A song that i dedicate to my special someone...

Maybe Tomorrow


Cant believe its over
That you're leaving
Weren't we meant to be?

Should've sensed the danger
Read the warnings
Right there in front of me

Just stop
Lets start it over
Couldn't I get one more try?



Maybe tomorrow you'll say that you're mine
You'll realize, I could change
I'm gonna show you I'm in it for life
I'll get you back someday
Maybe tomorrow



I forgot to be there
I was selfish
I can see that now



I should've got to known you
Should've held you
When your tears fell down

Just stop
Don't make me beg you
Tell me that you'll stay the night


Maybe tomorrow you'll say that you're mine
You'll realize, I could change
I'm gonna show you I'm in it for life
I'll get you back someday
I will find a way



Wait a minute
Just hear me out
This time I promise, I'll put you first



Turn around now
Your heart can't let you walk away
I'll do what it takes



Maybe tomorrow you'll say that you're mine
You'll realize (realize), I could change (I can change)
I'm gonna show you I'm in it for life
I'll get you back someday
Maybe tomorrow



There's so much I wanna say now
I just wanna make a life with you (don't walk away)
There's so much I wanna do now
I just wanna make love to you



Maybe tomorrow
Maybe tomorrow








My emotional state : I love you so much!

Subject-Less...

Dear viewers/readers,


This is not an entry as usual.



I just need to write about my emotional state that's keep changing from time to time in a randomly manner. One moment i was smiling, the next, i was gloomy, then went back to slightly happy and the cycle keeps rotating in certain manner which i don't understand it, myself. I just don't know why, but maybe my brain is working too much already.




I kept thinking of many different things. Too many to mention, and mostly it is quite personal. I can't sleep like i used to. I don't eat as much ; and i am so afraid that it might get worse from day to day.




I simply need to write this, and hoped i can relax a little after publishing it. The least i can be sure of, is i did something to express my thoughts (here).






I will take a break for the moment. Get myself patched up, and hoped it will turn out normal.







My emotional state : Sadden by the thoughts, maybe...

Entry # 1 – March 11th 2009
Start = 10.41pm




A New Year, A New Place, The New Same Old Brand Old Me.



Finally, a new place I can call, well, home, at least.



I just moved in to a small but cozy place in terms of privacy-wise in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I even reorganized it to be a private studio even though it might not look as if it were, but that is not the point. I can finally have my own space, where I can be myself without anyone seeing me, for example, dancing like a freak when listens to a few hyped songs. And I have the tendencies to mimic the singers’ pronunciations while in the same time exaggerating the mimic. Sometimes. Well, I lied about sometimes. Giggles. These are few of the embarrassing moments I would, for mother earth’s sake, have people find out (even if) about them some other ways beside seeing me do them with their bare eyes. Who wouldn’t?



Oh, and writing this is so much fun and relaxed in private.




I have just finished painting the walls black with help from few buddies. Why black? The color suits me the most. I really like being around black things. Psychologically, it is hard to characterize black as it is, well, let me just say “Unpredictable” and “Blended” to its other “rivals”.
Seemingly, nights seemed to be cooler at most times after I painted these walls black. Heat during daytime? Afraid not, where daytime mostly never reached my home-studio as it is blocked by nearby blocks. In other word, it keeps the juice in. Giggles!



The funny thing is, a friend posted a “WELCOME BACK, HONEY!” note on the wall after the finishing process of painting, which I find it funny, irritating, and warmth all at the same time. Nuisance can be entertaining, sometimes.


Yes, my home-studio is an apartment, as anybody should have figured it out by now. Proud to have my own place even though it’s not really sufficient for my bigger ambitions, but it’ll do for the moment.

Rome wasn’t built in a day.



I just bought a “do-it-yourself” L-shaped office desk; which lessen my wallet a sum of nail biting RM 280.00. There goes half of my shopping money for two weeks. Goodbye to Oriental food dinner, too!





Giggles…
Start = 11.50pm

A trip to the Kuala Lumpur Bird Park

I have planned the trip to the Kuala Lumpur Bird Park since March 2009, and after some busy schedule, I was able to have some free time to visit the Kuala Lumpur Bird Park, together with my best friend, Aiza.

Anyway, this our second visit together, and hoped something out of the ordinary will happen, and much to our disappointment, nothing much happened except for few closed sections at the Bird park. It just made us able to roam about 80 percent of the entire park, which is actually a relief for me, as I was experiencing some pain in my left foot, even before we depart from my apartment. Hehehehe…

Well, there we are. Each equipped with our own gear. She’s using Canon, by the way. As for me, Nikon comes first. Ehem…Talk about sibling rivalry. Ehem…!

As we went past the entrance, I saw this married couple with 2 kids. One was in the stroller, and the older sibling is running like hell as if he’s never encountered any sort of bird in his life. Hahahaha…! He’s hyped, I presumed. His mother is Chinese, married to a Caucasian. (Tapi tak lah sehensem aku, ehem…)

I forgot what the mother called him, but she was yelling (or begging?) to her older son to stop running. The funny thing for me is, she was screaming in somewhat British accent. I smirked a bit, because I find it not ordinary. (Cuba bayangkan, mat salleh cakap Bahasa Melayu... Sangat menyakitkan gegendang telinga aku, tapi kira macam Vice Versa lah…Org melayu cakap dalam Bahasa Inggeris. Slang mat salleh pun tak me-melentok-kan macam tu)

Giggles…

Anyway, here are some of the pictures that I took during the visit.

Yup, it's me

We had fun during the trip and hoped for the next visit will be not much less fun than this. Anyway, it was a nice day.

My emotional state : Joyful.