Crash

It feels like everything came tumbling down. Health is not good. Work is not how it used to be. Friends seems to be distant. I strive to be different, different than different. It seems i am alone. I fought fights i knew i couldn't win. I dodged bullets to survive, perhaps maybe i shouldn't have.

I was born an angry, lone ranger. I guess it's time to embrace the obvious destiny.

Change.

Everybody changes with time. Experiences determine change.
Tangible and countable points are made by good or bad choices of changes.

Like leaves, some takes longer duration to wither.
Like me, i plan to not wither by making good choices.
Like today, when i am feeling a little low on encouragement, is also a different way of telling myself "I have to find a way"

Bubba.

I can't be unrealistic.

Lately, i have been under my own skin. It's really hard to explain why, but things are just how they are. My mood swings are off the charts. I feel a lot of pressure coming from the inside and from outside as well. I feel like the world is against me, for some reasons i don't know why.


Things changed, so does people and from my own perspective, i reverted so many times and yet i can't seem to put it swinging like a pendulum with its own balanced, rhythmic and understandable motion. Mine was like a typhoon waiting to get off its designated track. Scares the shit out of me as well, coz i don't really know what i can do. All i can tell is, i could be dangerous to people around me. I have the tendencies to just hurt anyone if that's necessary to make me feel at ease, even if it will do a little change to my emotions.


Sometimes i get too emotionally unstable i would just shut up and cared less of my surroundings. I will have no mood to talk to anyone, its my way of retreating to seek peace. It is better than to start hitting on things or even worse beating up people. My few previous phones was all evidence of this anger bursting out. Don't mention about my knuckles, they are all accustomed to blood and pain, so to speak.

Now i know how to, little by little, trying to get over my problems. By seeking people who cared to listen or at least the people that pretends they cared. Whatever it is, i just say things out loud, try not to keep it inside and just get along with things. Bummer.